Have you ever told yourself, “Tomorrow will be different. I won’t yell. I’ll stay calm.”

And then…

Five minutes into your day, the shoes are lost, someone is crying, someone else is arguing, and you feel that snap rise up your chest before you can stop it.

I’ve been there too.
More times than I can even count.

And if you’re reading this, I know one thing about you already:

You want to be a calm, connected parent… but your reactions sometimes feel bigger than you.

This blog is where we’re going to unpack why that happens and how you can break free from it.

Because your child’s behavior is not the real enemy.

And you’re not the problem either.

There is a root to your reactions — a root you were never taught to understand — and once you see it, everything in your home can shift.

Today, I want to show you that root, tell you the truth about anger, and give you the first steps to becoming the secure parent you want to be.

This is the same journey I walk my coaching clients through every day.

And now, I want to walk through it with you too.

1. Why You Yell Even When You Don’t Want To

Let’s start with the honest moment every parent knows:

You didn’t plan to yell.
You didn’t want to snap.
You weren’t trying to lose control.

It just… happened.

One second your child spilled the juice again.
Or fought with their sibling again.
Or refused to brush their teeth… again.

And suddenly your emotions were louder than your logic.

I used to think:

“If my kids listened more, I’d yell less.”
“If I slept more, I’d be calmer.”
“If I had better tools, I would stop snapping.”

But none of those were true.

Because yelling isn’t caused by outside things.
Not by the mess.
Not by the whining.
Not by the routines.

Yelling comes from inside you.

It comes from a part of you that learned long ago that anger was scary, or unsafe, or something you had to fight or hide.

But you were never shown what to do with anger…

You were only shown what it looked like when anger was mishandled.

So now, when your child pushes you into an emotional corner, your body goes into an old pattern your nervous system still remembers.

That’s why this keeps happening.

Not because you’re a “bad parent.”
Not because you’re failing.
But because you were never taught the skill of a secure parent.

And skill is the keyword here —
secure parenting is a skill, not a personality.

Let me show you what I mean.

2. The Two Main Reactivity Cycles (And Which One You’re In)

After coaching more than 14,151 parents, I’ve noticed two major cycles that lead to yelling:

Cycle #1: The Fire Alarm Reaction

This is the impulsive one.

The reaction happens fast.

There’s no pause.
No space.
No breath.

Your child does something.
Your body jumps into alert mode.
Your mouth reacts before you can think.

Then, the guilt comes right after.

Most of the dads I coach are in this cycle.
But moms can be here too.

Cycle #2: The Pressure Cooker Reaction

This one builds over time.

You try to be calm.
You try to be gentle.
You try to “not make a big deal.”

But inside, something tightens.

The shoes on the floor.
The wet towel left again.
The sibling fight.
The arguing.

Each thing feels small…
But they stack.
And stack.
And stack.

Until finally — boom — you explode.

Then the guilt comes in heavy because you tried so hard to keep it together.

This used to be me.
I was the pressure cooker.

And the more I tried to “hold it in,” the bigger the explosion became.

3. The Hidden Third Pattern: Stonewalling

This one looks calm from the outside.

But inside?

You feel frozen.

You don’t want to yell.
You don’t want to punish.
You don’t want to explode.

So instead… you shut down.

You walk away.
You go quiet.
You give in.
Or you emotionally disappear.

Stonewalling doesn’t look like yelling.
But it feels just as painful — for you and your child.

Some parents bounce between all three patterns.

Which one do you see in yourself?

4. Why Your Child’s Behavior Feels Like the Trigger (But Isn’t the Real Cause)

We all do this:

“If they listened, I wouldn't have to yell.”
“If they didn’t fight all day, I’d be calmer.”
“If they stopped melting down, I’d stop reacting.”

It makes sense to think this way.

But it is not true.

Because if behavior were the real cause, then every parent in the world would react the same way to the same behavior.

But they don’t.

Some stay calm.
Some freeze.
Some explode.

Why?

Because the trigger is not the behavior.

The trigger is your relationship with anger.

5. Your Relationship With Anger Started Long Before You Became a Parent

This may surprise you:

Your relationship with anger wasn’t shaped last week when your child refused bedtime.

It wasn’t shaped yesterday when your toddler bit you.
Or this morning when your teen slammed the door.

It was shaped in your own childhood.

You learned from what you saw.

How anger was expressed.
How anger was punished.
How anger was ignored.
How anger made you feel inside your body.

Maybe your parents:

• Minimized your anger
  
• Punished your anger
  
• Dismissed your anger
  
• Ignored your anger
  
• Or were explosive with their anger
  
  

Whatever you saw became your blueprint.

Not because you chose it…

But because that was the model you were given.

And now that blueprint shows up when you feel overwhelmed, powerless, or overstimulated with your own kids.

You didn’t choose this pattern.
But you can change it.

And that’s what makes this so hopeful.

6. The Four Ways Parents Relate to Anger (Which One Are You?)

There are four relationships parents tend to have with anger.

Once you see yours, everything starts to click.

1. Fight

This looks like power struggles, snapping, yelling, or trying to control.

But the fight is not really with your child.

The fight is with your own anger.

2. Flight

You run from anger.

You try to fix feelings fast.
You avoid triggers.
You try to keep everyone happy.
You bend yourself to prevent conflict.

Your nervous system is saying:

“Get away from this emotion. It’s too much.”

3. Shrink

You get small.

You shut down.
You feel powerless.
You become permissive.
You freeze.
You cry when you’re angry because the feeling is so big that your body doesn’t know what else to do.

4. Secure

This is the healthy pattern.

A secure parent:

• Understands that anger is normal
  
• Listens to what anger is trying to protect
  
• Knows how to release anger in a safe way
  
• Communicates anger with boundaries, not blame
  
  

A secure parent might say:

“I feel angry because I need cooperation right now.”

Instead of:

“You never listen. You make me so angry.”

See the difference?

One builds connection.
One builds fear.

7. What You Actually Need: A New Relationship With Anger

This is the truth:

You don’t need more tips.
You don’t need more scripts.
You don’t need more Pinterest charts.

You need a new relationship with anger.

A relationship that feels safe.
A relationship rooted in understanding.
A relationship that gives you choice instead of reactivity.

But no one taught you this.

No school.
No book.
No childhood experience.

This is why reactivity keeps winning.

Not because you’re failing…
but because you’ve been missing the real skill.

And this is the skill I teach inside the Parenting With Understanding™ System.

Let me show you a glimpse of what that looks like.

8. How a Secure Parent Handles Anger

A secure parent does five things with anger.

These are the skills I teach every day.

1. They Name It

“I feel angry.”

Not, “I shouldn’t feel angry.”
Not, “It’s just the kids.”
Not, “I need to be more patient.”

Just naming the emotion reduces reactive behavior.
This is research-based.

2. They Listen to It

Anger always comes with a protective message.

“What is this anger trying to protect right now?”
Your need for rest?
Your need for support?
Your need for quiet?
Your need for cooperation?

Your anger is not the danger.
It’s the signal.

3. They Release It Safely

Not at the child.
Not at the co-parent.
Not at themselves.

They mobilize it.

Some run.
Some walk.
Some squeeze a pillow.
Some do chair squats.
Some journal.

My husband does sit-ups.
I’m not kidding — I once walked into our twins’ room and found him doing sit-ups while the boys jumped around.
He said, “I’m angry, and this is how I’m releasing it right now.”

And guess what?

He didn’t yell.

4. They Stop Blaming the Child

You might feel angry because of the chaos.
But the child is not the cause.

Your unmet need is the cause.

5. They Communicate Anger Clearly and Kindly

“I feel angry because I need help getting us out the door on time.”

Not…

“You always make us late.”
“You’re impossible.”
“You make me so mad.”

One creates safety.

One creates shame.

9. Your First Step Toward Becoming a Secure Parent

You deserve peace in your home.
You deserve calm in your body.
You deserve connection with your child.

And you don’t have to do this alone.

If you want to take the first real step toward breaking your yelling cycle, the best place to start is our free class:

The Parenting With Understanding™ System to Stop Toxic Reactions and Parent With Peace.

Inside this free class, you’ll learn:

⭐ How to stop angry reactions
⭐ How to respond calmly during chaos
⭐ How to get your kids to listen without yelling
⭐ How to raise emotionally healthy, confident kids
⭐ How to understand your child’s needs AND your own

And because I want this to be easy for you:

👉 Go to Instagram and DM me the word “peace 25.”
I’ll send you the class right away.

This is the bridge between where you are and the secure parent you want to be.

You’re not broken.
You’re not failing.
You’re just missing the right tools.

And I can help you.