Epi #175. 5 Ways to Build Secure Attachment

Have you ever had one of those days where your child is yelling, throwing things, or completely ignoring you—and no matter what you try, nothing seems to work?

You go to bed thinking, “What am I doing wrong? Why don’t they just listen?”

I get it. I’ve been there.

And I want you to know something important:
Your child’s behavior isn’t the problem.
It’s the signal.

The real fix isn’t in shouting louder or setting harsher punishments. The answer is in building something much deeper: secure attachment.

In this blog, I’ll walk you through 5 powerful ways to build secure attachment—so your child listens, trusts you, and grows up emotionally healthy and confident.

Let’s get into it.

1. Connection Over Obedience

I remember a time when my 6-year-old hit her 3-year-old brother out of frustration.

She was trying to protect her toys, and he just kept getting in her space.

Now, I could’ve reacted with, “No hitting! Go to timeout!”—and honestly, some days, I used to say those things.

But here’s what I’ve learned:
If we only correct behavior without connection, we miss the real need.

So that day, I sat down with her.
I said, “It looks like you're feeling overwhelmed. Let’s find a better way to tell your brother you need space.”

That moment built trust. It didn’t just stop the hitting—it helped her feel safe and seen.

Ask yourself:
Do I pause to connect before I correct?
That pause might be all your child needs to start changing the behavior on their own.

2. Emotional Safety Over Calmness

You’ve probably heard, “Just stay calm.”
But here’s the truth…

Calm isn’t the goal. Safety is.

I used to pressure myself to always be calm—deep breaths, forcing a smile, holding it together.

But inside, I was boiling.

Then one day at church, my autistic son had a meltdown. My husband, who had planned to eat dinner there, was frustrated.
We had to pack everything up and leave.

Back at home, my husband said something powerful to our other son:
“I’m not angry. I’m just really frustrated because I didn’t expect to have to cook dinner tonight.”

He didn’t yell. He didn’t fake a smile.
He was honest—but safe.

That’s what emotional safety looks like.
Being self-aware. Owning your emotions. And not letting them hurt your kids.

If you feel like you “fail” when you’re not calm, you’re not alone.

But you don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be safe.

3. Consistency Builds Trust

My kids love routines. You know why?
Because routines feel safe.

Kids learn they can count on you—not because you’re perfect, but because you’re consistent.

One time, I went to Olive Garden (I always order the eggplant parmesan—#autismmom life!).
That day, it came out dry and overcooked.

I didn’t trust it next time.
I thought, “Hmm… maybe I’ll try something else.”

That’s how it feels for kids too.

One day, you laugh when they spill milk.
The next day, you yell.
Now they don’t know which version of you they’ll get.

That’s what breaks trust.

Secure attachment is built when you show up more securely than not.

It doesn’t take perfection. Research shows 70% consistency is enough to raise a secure child.

So start small.
Pick one moment—like bedtime or morning—and aim to be consistent in how you respond.

4. Seeing the Need Beneath the Behavior

Let me tell you a story I don’t usually share.

Every morning, one of my sons avoids me. He won’t say hi. He pulls away when I walk over.

I started thinking…
“Did I do something wrong? Did I mess him up somehow?”

It made me so anxious.

Then one day, I asked him, “Why don’t you want to say hi in the mornings?”

He said, “Mom, you stink.”

Yep.

Turns out, I work out before they wake up. No shower. No deodorant.
I was sweaty and stinky—and that was it. Not trauma. Not rejection. Just sensory overload.

Behavior always has a reason.

When we stop judging and start getting curious, we find the answers.

This is what we call Mindsight—a powerful skill that helps you see your child’s needs behind their actions.

Without it, we stay stuck in blame—blaming them or blaming ourselves.

But with it? We show up as the secure parents our kids need.

5. Emotional Regulation Over Control

Have you ever said to yourself:

“Just stay calm. Don’t yell. It’s not a big deal.”

You try to force calm, but it only makes you more upset.

That’s not emotional regulation—that’s emotional suppression.

Let me share what real regulation looks like.

After church that same day, my husband was still frustrated. But he didn’t pretend to be fine.

He said, “I need a walk before I serve dinner.”

He took a short walk. Came back. He wasn’t calm, but he was safe. He was ready.

That’s what secure parents do.

They don’t ignore their emotions.
They feel them. They move through them in ways that don’t harm their kids.

Regulation is self-awareness in action.

That’s what we teach parents inside HIC Parenting.

Ready to Break Free From Angry Reactions?

You don’t have to figure this out alone.
If this blog made you feel seen—then I know our free class will help even more.

In this class, I’ll teach you the Parenting With Understanding™ System of Needs.

✅ You’ll learn how to stop angry reactions and respond calmly—without forcing yourself to “stay calm”
✅ You’ll know how to set boundaries your kids actually listen to—even when you say no
✅ And you’ll understand what your child really needs to grow up confident, kind, and emotionally healthy

This is the same method that helped thousands of families—including parents like Zach, who once yelled daily and didn’t believe in conscious parenting… until he saw the changes for himself.

🎁 It’s 100% free. And it starts with one click.

👉 Click here to access the class

You’re not failing. You’re just missing the right tools.

And I’d love to teach them to you ❤️

See you inside.