Imagine this…

You’re in the middle of Target. Your child is crying — hard. People are watching. Your cheeks are burning. You try to stay calm, but deep inside, you feel like running away.

You whisper to yourself, “Why can’t they just listen?”
But what if I told you... the real issue isn’t your child’s behavior?

And what if I told you there’s nothing broken about you either?

As a parenting coach and a mom of twins (one of them autistic), I’ve been there too — overwhelmed, exhausted, trying to hold it all together.

For years, I thought the problem was my child’s meltdowns. The tantrums. The resistance. The chaos.

But the truth?
What I learned — and what changed everything — was this:

➡️ Your child’s behavior isn’t the real problem.
❌ The real problem is the invisible iceberg under the surface: unmet needs, unhealed patterns, and unconscious beliefs.
✅ And when we understand that… we finally know how to fix it.

So if you’re a parent who’s tired of yelling, of overthinking every response, of feeling like you’re messing it all up…
This is the article for you.

Let’s walk together from reactivity… to peace.
From avoidant attachment… to secure connection.
From feeling alone… to finally being seen and supported.

1. What Is Avoidant Attachment?

Let me take you on a little mental trip.
Close your eyes and imagine this:

You’re stuck on an island. You can’t swim away. You depend on that island to survive.
Now imagine that island is made of ice.

You can touch it. You can stand on it.
But it’s cold. It doesn’t feed you. It doesn’t keep you warm. It’s there… but not really.

That’s what avoidant attachment feels like.

Many of us grew up with caregivers who were physically there — they made dinner, paid the bills, maybe even tucked us in at night.
But emotionally?

They were distant. Dismissive. Distracted.
And we learned: “My feelings are too much. My needs don’t matter. I’m on my own.”

That’s avoidant attachment. And it sticks with us into adulthood.

2. How Avoidant Attachment Is Formed

As kids, we reached out for comfort —
We cried.
We asked questions.
We needed support.

But instead of connection, we got:

❌ “Not now.”
❌ “Get over it.”
❌ “You’re fine.”
❌ “Don’t be so dramatic.”

So we stopped reaching out.
We learned that emotions weren’t safe.
That being vulnerable meant being ignored or shamed.

And that’s how we became “independent.”
Not because we wanted to… but because we had to.

3. The Hidden Beliefs of Avoidant Parents

Avoidant attachment doesn’t just show up in our childhood — it follows us into our parenting.

You may love your child more than anything in this world,
But if deep inside you carry beliefs like:

🔸 “Needing others is weak.”
🔸 “Emotions are dangerous.”
🔸 “If I open up, I’ll get hurt.”
🔸 “Too much closeness means losing control…”

Then when your child cries, or needs you emotionally…
Your nervous system panics.

You might freeze.
You might get irritated and try to distract them.
You might shut down or want to walk away.

And you may think:
“What’s wrong with me? I’m trying to be a gentle parent, but it feels too hard.”

Let me tell you something…
There’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re not broken.
You’re just parenting with a nervous system that never felt safe.

4. How Children Experience It

Here’s what hurts the most.

Children feel avoidant attachment.

Even when we’re trying our best — they can feel when we pull away emotionally.
And over time, they learn to do what we did: shut down.

Maybe they stop crying.
Maybe they stop coming to us for help.
Maybe they become “super independent” at age 5.

They’re not “mature.” They’re surviving.

They’re stuffing their emotions down until one day… it all explodes.
With yelling. Hitting. Burnout. Meltdowns.

Because no one ever taught them how to feel safely.
How to be seen and held — emotionally, not just physically.

5. The Praise of Over-Independence

Society praises “strong, independent” adults.

But often, what looks like strength on the outside…
Is just unhealed pain on the inside.

You may not ask for help because:

💬 “I don’t want to be a burden.”
💬 “People will judge me.”
💬 “I should be able to handle it on my own.”

These are not your words.
These are echoes from your childhood.

That’s why it feels hard to admit you’re struggling as a parent.
That’s why it feels scary to open up, even with people who love you.

But here’s the truth:
Asking for help is not weak.
It’s the first step toward healing.

6. The Signs You're Parenting From Avoidant Attachment

Let’s be real for a moment.
Does any of this sound like you?

• You struggle to handle your child’s big emotions.

• You shut down or get irritated when your child cries.

• You offer distractions or bribes to avoid meltdowns.

• You fear your child’s emotions will trigger your own.

If yes — you’re not a bad parent.
You’re a human being doing the best you can with the tools you were given.

And you can change.

7. The Good News: Avoidant Attachment Can Be Healed

Avoidant attachment isn’t your forever story.

It’s a chapter — not the whole book.

You can learn how to feel safe with emotions.
You can rewire your nervous system.
You can give your children the emotional safety you didn’t get.

I’ve seen it happen in my own home.

There was a time when my son would cry, and I’d freeze.
I’d feel like a failure. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to fix it quickly and make it stop.

But now?

I stay.

I breathe.

I remind myself:
“It’s safe to stay close.”
“I don’t need to fix it — I just need to be here.”

And guess what?
My son feels safe. Seen. Held.

That’s how we build secure attachment.

8. 3 Steps to Start Healing Today

Here’s how to begin, even if you feel overwhelmed.

🔹 Step 1: Stay Present With Emotions

When your child is having a big feeling, and you want to shut down…

Pause.
Take a breath.
Say to yourself: “It’s safe to stay close.”

That moment of presence?
It matters more than any perfect words.

🔹 Step 2: Ask Yourself What YOU Need

When you feel triggered, ask:

👉 “What do I need emotionally right now?”
Maybe it’s a breath.
Maybe it’s a quick mental break.
Maybe it’s a kind reminder: “I’m a good parent having a hard moment.”

🔹 Step 3: Practice Mindsight

Mindsight is the superpower of thinking about what’s going on in someone else’s mind.

Ask yourself:

👉 “What might my child be feeling right now?”
👉 “What do they need from me?”
👉 “What’s underneath this behavior?”

When you do that — you shift from reaction… to compassion.

9. One Small Change Today Can Start a Whole New Pattern

You don’t need to be perfect.

You just need to start showing up — over and over again.

💛 Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent.
💛 They need a present one.

And the more you stay close — even when it’s hard — the safer they feel.

And the safer they feel… the more calm and connected your home becomes.

10. You Can Break the Cycle

I want you to know:

✅ You can be the parent you wish you had.
✅ You can raise children who trust you with their whole hearts.
✅ You can feel proud of how you handle the hard moments.

You don’t have to figure it out alone.

If this article spoke to you — if you saw yourself in the stories I shared —
Then come join me in our free class:

💻 Join My Free Class: The Parenting With Understanding™ System of Needs

In this free class, I’ll walk you through the exact system that helped me and over 14,000 other parents break the cycle of reactivity.

You'll learn:

✅ How to overcome angry reactions and respond calmly when your child is in chaos.
✅ How to communicate so your child listens — even when you say "no."
✅ How to raise emotionally healthy kids who can face the real world with confidence.

🎁 It’s free. It’s powerful. It’s the class I wish I had 10 years ago.

👉 Tap here to join the class now

And remember —
You are not alone.
You are not broken.
You are already the kind of parent your child needs — just by showing up.

I’ll see you in class ❤️

With love and understanding,
Marcela
HIC Parenting Education