Epi #173. From Disorganized to Anxious Attachment

Do you ever feel like you're trying your best, but your child's behavior just keeps getting worse?

You try being calm.

You try being firm.

You try consequences, rewards, talking, yelling...

And nothing seems to work.

You're not alone.

I work with thousands of parents who feel just like you. And here's what I tell them:

Your child's behavior isn't the real problem.

The problem is what's going on underneath the behavior.

And once we understand that, we can actually fix it.

This blog is going to walk you through what’s really happening when your child acts out—and how you can start changing things for good.

Let’s dive in ✨

1. If you had a hard childhood... this might sound familiar

If you grew up with yelling, hitting, threats, or shame—your body remembers.

Maybe your parents were loving sometimes, but other times they were scary.

Maybe you never knew what mood they’d be in.

You had to figure things out on your own.

You learned not to ask for help.

That’s what we call disorganized attachment. It means you needed your parents, but you didn’t feel safe with them.

So you got stuck between two feelings:

"I want connection" and "I don’t trust you."

This shows up in parenting too.

You love your kids.

You want to be different.

But sometimes, when they push your buttons—you snap.

Then the guilt hits.

You wonder: Am I screwing this up? Is it too late?

It’s not too late, my friend. Keep reading ❤️

2. How disorganized attachment shows up in kids

One time, my foster son used the bathroom towel for his boogers.

Why? Because the tissues ran out.

He didn’t ask for help.

He didn’t even tell me.

Why? Because he didn’t trust adults to help him.

He grew up in an abusive home. He learned to figure everything out on his own.

That’s what disorganized attachment looks like.

Kids want help—but don’t know how to ask.

They look for love—but push it away.

They try to connect—but don’t feel safe.

Does this sound like your child?

Maybe they:

• Look at you for approval, but won’t come close
  
  
• Act out, then run away when you try to comfort them
  
  
• Get super independent and won’t let you help
  
  

These are signs they’re stuck between wanting you and not feeling safe with you.

But here’s the hope: That can change.

3. If this was you as a child, you can heal

I see so many parents who grew up just like this.

I did too. My parents were sometimes warm... and sometimes scary.

I didn’t always know what version of them I’d get.

And as an adult, I found myself repeating those patterns.

Not because I wanted to—but because I hadn’t learned how to do it differently.

If that’s you too, I want to tell you: it’s not your fault.

You didn’t create those patterns.

But you can break them.

And the best news?

It’s never too late to become a secure parent.

Even if your child is 2, 12, or 19 years old.

We’ve had parents come into coaching at HIC Parenting to heal relationships they thought were too far gone.

And it worked.

Because secure attachment is something you can earn. It’s not just something you’re born with.

4. What secure parenting actually looks like

We don’t need to be perfect.

Research shows we only need to be secure 70% of the time to raise securely attached kids.

Secure parenting means 3 things:

Safe. You are warm, calm, and non-threatening. Your child feels protected.

Seen. You notice and validate your child’s feelings. Even if you say “no,” they feel understood.

Soothed. You show up when they need you. You stay with them through hard moments.

When we do these 3 things consistently, our children stop seeing us as scary or unpredictable.

They start trusting us.

They come to us.

And they feel safe.

Even if they still have tantrums, talk back, or struggle with emotions—now they know they’re not alone.

And that changes everything.

5. 3 skills to fix the real problem

At HIC Parenting, we teach parents the 3 core skills that help you shift from reactive to secure parenting.

✅ Emotional regulation – You’ll learn how to sit with your anger and overwhelm without yelling, snapping, or shutting down.

✅ Mindsight – You’ll learn how to see the need behind the behavior and speak to it directly.

✅ Positive discipline – You’ll learn how to guide your child’s behavior without punishments, shame, or bribes.

These skills are not just for "perfect" parents.

They’re for real parents who want to stop repeating old patterns.

Who want to enjoy parenting.

Who want connection, not conflict.

And who want to raise kids that feel safe to come to them with anything.

It’s never too late to change

I once coached a mom who came to us crying.

She said, “I just want to make sure I don’t screw up my youngest like I did with my 19-year-old.”

She felt like the relationship with her teen was beyond repair.

But two weeks ago, she finished coaching... and told us with tears in her eyes:

"I came here for my youngest. But I got my 19-year-old daughter back. She tells me her things now. She says she feels safe with me."

That’s the power of secure parenting.

And you can have that too.

Even if you’ve yelled.

Even if you’ve punished.

Even if you’ve felt hopeless.

You can change things—starting today.

🎁 Want to learn these 3 skills for free?

Come join my free class: The Parenting With Understanding System of Needs.

In this class, you’ll learn:

✅ Our signature 4-step system to overcome angry reactions and stay calm during chaos

✅ What you need to say and do so your kids listen—even when you say no

✅ How to raise emotionally healthy children who can handle life with confidence

You don’t have to keep guessing what works.

Let us show you how to fix the real problem—and raise a child who feels safe, seen, and loved.

👉 Click here to access the free class

You got this ❤️