Epi #172. From Anxious to Secure Attachment

“Why is my child acting like this?”

If you’ve ever whispered that through gritted teeth during a meltdown in the car, a chaotic bedtime, or yet another power struggle—you’re not alone.

Most parents I coach come to me saying the same thing:
"I’m trying so hard to be gentle… but my kid just doesn’t listen."

They’ve read the books. Watched the videos. Tried the deep breathing.
But the yelling still slips out. The guilt still hits. The cycle still continues.

I get it.

Because that was me too.

And I want to share something with you that changed everything for me and for the parents I coach…

👉 Your child’s behavior isn’t the problem. The real problem is what’s underneath.

In this article, we’re going to talk about what that is, how it got there, and what you can do—starting today—to change your parenting forever.

This Is the Place You Find Real Answers

This isn’t just another parenting blog filled with tips you’ll forget by tomorrow.

This is where you finally understand what’s going on.

This is where you stop blaming yourself and start building real connection with your kids.

This is where healing starts.

Let’s begin 👇

1. The Problem Isn’t the Behavior—It’s the Pattern

If your child has a meltdown every time you leave them…
If they cling to you like their life depends on it…
If they suddenly snap when you say “no”…

You might be seeing anxious attachment in action.

Now before you panic—let me explain.

Anxious attachment isn’t about you being a “bad parent.”
It’s about inconsistency.

Sometimes you're present and patient.
Sometimes you're overwhelmed and reactive.
Sometimes you meet their needs.
Sometimes your tank is empty.

That inconsistency—while completely human—can leave a child feeling unsure of how the world works.

And the result?

They become anxious.
They cling.
They fight.
They spiral.

Not because they’re misbehaving…

But because they’re not sure what to expect next.

2. What Kids Really Need to Feel Secure

Research shows that secure children don’t come from perfect parents.

They come from parents who do 3 things consistently:

1. Help them feel SEEN.

They need to feel like their thoughts, feelings, and needs matter.

2. Help them feel SAFE.

That doesn’t mean bubble wrap. It means you’re warm, calm, and predictable.

3. Help them feel SOOTHED.

Not “fixed.” Not “shushed.” But that someone will sit beside them when it’s hard.

When a child feels seen, safe, and soothed most of the time (even just 70%), their brain builds a belief:

“I can trust my world. I can trust myself. I can trust you.”

That’s secure attachment.

3. Why It's So Hard for Us to Show Up That Way

Let’s be real.

We want to be calm.
We want to listen.
We want to stop snapping.

But when we’re stressed…
When we’re running on fumes…
When we hear our child scream “NO!” at us…

We go into autopilot.

And that autopilot? It often sounds like our own parents’ voice.

For me, growing up in a traditional Latino home meant I heard a lot of:

"Because I said so."
"Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about."
"You don’t talk back to adults."

I never questioned it—until I started parenting.

And then, suddenly, those same phrases were flying out of my mouth.

I didn’t want to repeat the same patterns, but I didn’t know how to stop.

And that’s where so many of the parents I work with find themselves too.

4. What Happens to Kids When We Don’t Break the Cycle

This part is hard, but we have to talk about it.

If we don’t change the pattern, it continues.

Children who grow up in this inconsistency may become:

• People-pleasers, constantly seeking approval
  
  
• Children who explode emotionally because they don’t feel safe to express little things
  
  
• Teens who stop talking to you altogether
  
  
• Adults who carry the same pain we carried for years
  
  

They might grow up feeling they can never do enough to be loved.

That they need to hide their feelings.
That the world isn’t safe.
That love means walking on eggshells.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

5. What Happens When We Start Showing Up Differently

I want to tell you something that brings me hope every single day.

You don’t have to be perfect to change your child’s life.

You just need to be consistent enough.

Research shows that showing up with connection 70% of the time is enough to create secure attachment.

Not 100%.
Not “never mess up again.”
Just 70%.

And when we do?

Here’s what I’ve seen in my own children and in the families I coach:

• Kids who used to cling now relax in your presence
  
  
• Kids who screamed “don’t go!” start trusting you’ll come back
  
  
• Kids who used to melt down over everything begin to regulate themselves
  
  
• And YOU begin to parent with confidence, peace, and pride
  
  

That is the power of secure parenting.

6. It Starts With You

Here’s what no one tells us:

To raise secure kids, we have to become secure parents.

We can’t give what we never received.

But we can learn it now.

That’s what we do inside HIC Parenting every day—helping parents like you understand your needs, uncover your patterns, and gain the tools to respond with calm and clarity instead of old reactions.

We don’t just teach information.

We help you actually apply it, with support every step of the way.

7. What You Can Do Starting Today

If you’re reading this and thinking:
"Yes, Marcela. This is me. I want to change this."

Here’s what I want you to know:

You don’t have to do it alone.

We created a free class just for you.

It’s called “Break Free from Angry Reactions and Raise Secure Children with the Parenting With Understanding System of Needs.”

And inside the class, you’ll learn:

✅ Our signature Parenting With Understanding™ system to overcome angry reactions and have calm responses during your child’s chaos
✅ What you need to communicate assertively so your child listens to you—even when you say “no”
✅ How to raise emotionally healthy children who can face the real world with confidence and self-accountability

You’re going to walk away with clarity and confidence to start shifting your home—starting now.

🎥 Tap here to watch the free class 

You’re Not Failing. You’re Growing.

If no one has told you lately…

You’re not a bad parent.

You’re a brave parent, trying to break cycles you didn’t create.

You’re trying to do better for your children even when it’s hard.

That matters.

And I’m here to walk with you every step of the way.

Let’s raise secure kids—together.

With all my love,
Marcela