Epi #171. The 3 Elements of Secure Attachment

Have you ever felt like your child’s behavior is out of control?

They throw tantrums. They don’t listen. You try to stay calm... but then you yell.

And the second you raise your voice, guilt hits you like a wave.

You wonder, “Why do I keep reacting like this?”

If that’s you—I see you.

And I want you to know something really important:

Your child’s behavior isn’t the real problem.

In this blog, I’m going to show you what’s actually going on underneath those big behaviors.

You’ll learn why yelling doesn’t work, what your child truly needs from you, and the 3 parenting tools that will change everything.

These are the same tools I use with my twin boys (one of them is autistic), and the same tools I teach to thousands of parents in our coaching programs.

Let’s begin 💛

1. Why Behavior Isn’t the Real Problem

Let me tell you a story.

One summer, we took our kids to the beach. My son was 5. He was so excited to see the ocean. He ran to the edge of the water… and then a big wave came crashing in.

He froze. Eyes wide. He looked back at me.

In that moment, I reached for his hand. I smiled and said, “You’re safe. I’m right here.”

He nodded, held my hand tighter, and dipped his toes back in.

That’s the power of secure attachment.

It’s not about stopping the wave. It’s about showing your child they’re not alone.

When kids feel safe, seen, and soothed—they can handle hard moments without falling apart.

But when that connection breaks, their behavior starts to spiral.

So if you’re stuck in the cycle of yelling, guilt, and power struggles…

You don’t need more punishments.

You need more connection.

That’s what we’ll dive into next.

2. The 3 Elements of Secure Attachment

According to Dr. Daniel Siegel, secure attachment comes from three main things:

Safe. Seen. Soothed.

These 3 simple words carry so much weight.

Let’s unpack each one with real-life examples.

3. SAFE: Does Your Child Feel Safe With You?

Let’s go back to that beach story.

My son wasn’t scared of the wave. He was scared of facing it alone.

But when I held his hand, he felt safe. He had what he needed to keep going.

Now think about this:

When your child has a tantrum, do they feel safe?

Or do they feel like they’re about to get yelled at again?

I ask this with so much love. I know it’s hard. I’ve lost my temper more times than I can count.

But here’s what I’ve learned:

Consistency is the glue of safety.

If kids never know what version of you they’ll get—calm or reactive—they won’t feel safe enough to open up.

And without safety, they can’t learn.

That’s why emotional regulation is the first parenting skill we teach inside our programs.

You deserve to feel in control.

Your kids deserve to feel safe in your presence.

4. SEEN: Do You Understand What’s Really Going On?

Have you ever felt like nobody really “got” you as a kid?

Like your big feelings were too much, or your quietness was ignored?

That’s what it feels like for our kids when we rush to fix things instead of listening.

Being seen means your child feels understood.

Even when they don’t have the words.

Even when their behavior is messy.

One of my sons will sometimes scream when he’s hungry. Not ideal. But when I pause and see what’s underneath, I realize he doesn’t know how to ask for food with words when his body is overwhelmed.

So instead of yelling back, I get curious. “Hey buddy, are you feeling hungry?”

He nods. We fix it. No fight needed.

That’s the power of seeing your child clearly.

5. SOOTHED: Are You Emotionally Available?

Soothe doesn’t always mean hugging or wiping away tears.

Sometimes it means saying: “I see you need space. I’m here when you’re ready.”

That’s what my twins often need now at age nine.

When they’re upset, they go to their rooms.

And later, like little kittens, they come back for connection.

That’s soothing. It’s not about calming your child down for you.

It’s about being there while they learn to calm down themselves.

I want to share a personal story here.

I’m autistic and highly sensory-sensitive. Two days ago, I had a meltdown on a plane.

The flight was delayed, the smells were intense, we were stuck on the runway.

I told the flight attendant, “I’m having a panic attack. I’m autistic.”

And you know what he did?

He held my hand. He said, “You’re safe. I’m right here.”

He didn’t rush me. He didn’t try to fix me. He was just present.

That is exactly what our kids need from us.

Not control. Not perfection.

Just presence.

6. What Happens When You Don’t Feel Like a Secure Parent?

Maybe right now you’re thinking:

“Marcela, I want to be that calm, steady parent. But sometimes I yell. Sometimes I shut down. Sometimes I say things I regret.”

I hear you.

Most of us didn’t grow up with these tools. We’re learning them as we go.

And that’s okay.

Secure attachment is not about perfection. It’s about repair.

It’s about showing up again and again with love, even after we mess up.

And if you’re willing to grow, to learn, and to be honest with yourself—

You’re already on the path.

7. The 3 Parenting Skills That Create Real Change

Here’s what we teach inside our signature class and coaching programs.

To raise secure children, parents need 3 key skills:

1. Emotional Regulation:
   So you can stay calm even when your kids are losing it.
2. Mindsight:
   So you can understand your child’s needs and communicate in a way they can hear.
3. Positive Discipline:
   So you can guide and correct your child without yelling, shaming, or punishing.

These 3 skills are the foundation of our Parenting With Understanding™ system.

When you apply them, things change quickly.

You go from constant yelling to real connection.

You go from chaos to calm.

And your child begins to feel safe enough to listen, grow, and thrive.

Ready to Learn These Skills for Free?

If this blog spoke to you, I want to invite you to our free class:

"The Parenting With Understanding™ System to Break Free From Angry Reactions and Raise Secure Children"

✅ You will learn our signature 4-step system to overcome angry reactions and stay calm during your child’s chaos.
✅ You’ll gain the tools to communicate clearly and peacefully — even when you’re setting limits.
✅ You’ll discover how to raise emotionally healthy kids who feel confident and accountable.

It’s completely free, and it’s helped thousands of parents make the change they’ve been longing for.

👉 Tap here to watch the free class

You don’t have to stay stuck in guilt or reactivity.

You can build the secure relationship your child needs.

You can be the safe hand they hold during the waves.

And we’re here to help you every step of the way 💛