Epi #170. How to Teach Kids to Be Kind Through Mindsight. PART 2

You asked your child for the fifth time to put on their shoes.

They yell, fall to the floor, and kick the wall.

You were calm at first... but now you feel like yelling back.

You wonder: "Why is it so hard to get them to listen? Why are they acting this way?"

Here’s something that might surprise you:

Your child’s behavior isn’t the real problem.

And in this article, I’m going to tell you what is.

I’m Marcela Collier, parenting coach and mom of twins (one of them autistic and highly sensitive). Every week, I help parents like you go from reactive parenting to calm connection.

If you’re tired of the yelling, power struggles, and feeling like nothing works—keep reading.

Because here is where things start to change.

1. Kids Learn Through Their Nervous System

You want your kids to be kind, to listen, to share, and care for others.

But then you see them pushing their sibling. Screaming "no!" over brushing teeth. Melting down over the blue cup.

And it makes you wonder, "Am I failing? Why are they acting like this?"

I want you to know this first:

You are not failing.

What your child is doing is not a character flaw.

It’s a developmental stage. A signal from their nervous system. A cry for help.

Children don’t come with built-in self-control. That part of the brain takes YEARS to grow. And even then, they need your help to use it.

2. Mirror Neurons: Your Secret Parenting Tool

Let me tell you about something powerful inside your child’s brain: mirror neurons.

These little things help us copy and feel what others are feeling.

Here’s a fun test. Imagine I cut a big, juicy lemon 🍋 and squeeze it into my mouth.

Did you just feel that sour zing in your mouth?

That’s mirror neurons doing their job.

Now think about this...

If your child sees you calm, they’re more likely to stay calm.

But if you’re holding in stress, frustration, or anger—even if you don’t yell—they still feel it.

That’s why peaceful parenting starts inside of us first.

3. It’s Not the Words. It’s the Energy.

One morning, I was running late.

My body was tight. My thoughts were spinning. I calmly told my son, "Put on your shoes, please."

But inside, I was stressed.

Guess what happened?

He yelled. He refused. He lost it.

He was reacting to my nervous system, not my words.

Your child isn’t trying to make your life harder.

They’re just deeply tuned in to how you feel.

4. Are You Receptive or Reactive? Are They?

Here's the key that changes everything:

When your child is melting down, they are in a reactive state.

When you're angry or overwhelmed, you are in a reactive state.

And here’s the truth:

You can’t teach a reactive child.

You can’t connect well when you’re reactive.

So before trying to correct anything, ask:

• Is my child reactive or receptive right now?
  
  
• Am I reactive or receptive right now?
  
  

If either of you are reactive, the best next step isn’t discipline. It’s regulation.

5. What Regulation Looks Like

My autistic son melts down almost every day around noon. Too much sensory input in the morning builds up.

One day, right before his piano lesson, he was in the middle of a full meltdown.

Did I force him to "calm down" so he could "be respectful"?

No.

I sat with him.

We built LEGOs.

We connected.

Ten minutes later, he was ready to receive.

That’s what co-regulation looks like.

And that’s what makes space for real growth.

6. Secure Attachment = Safe Island Parenting

Dr. Daniel Siegel teaches about secure and insecure attachment.

Here’s the way I explain it:

Imagine your child is living on an island.

If that island is safe, calm, and reliable, your child feels free to explore, grow, and trust.

That’s secure attachment.

But if that island is sometimes scary (like yelling, coldness, or distance)...

Your child starts feeling anxious.

They stay on alert.

They stop feeling safe.

That’s insecure attachment.

Now, none of us are perfect islands every day.

But when we focus on being consistent, warm, and emotionally available—that’s when we build security.

7. Secure Kids Are Kinder Kids

A secure child feels safe inside.

And children who feel safe are more open to others.

They are more likely to:

• Share their toys
  
  
• Apologize when they hurt someone
  
  
• Show empathy
  
  
• Ask for help
  
  

Kindness doesn’t come from punishments.

Kindness grows through connection.

8. Create More Fun, Less Fear

Think about this:

Are your days mostly full of commands, reminders, and power struggles?

Or do you have little pockets of fun?

Laughter?

Moments where you just enjoy each other?

Fun builds trust.

Fun builds connection.

And when that’s strong, kids want to listen.

They want to cooperate.

Because they feel good being close to you.

9. It Starts With You

If you want your child to listen without yelling...

If you want to stop losing your temper when they push your buttons...

If you want to raise a secure child who is kind and confident...

It starts with how you show up.

You don’t have to be perfect.

You just have to be willing.

Willing to pause.

Willing to reconnect.

Willing to learn new tools that actually work.

Want to Learn How to Stop Angry Reactions and Raise Secure Children?

I created a FREE class just for you.

It’s called:

The Parenting With Understanding System to Break Free from Angry Reactions and Raise Secure Children

Inside, you’ll learn:

📅 Our 3-part Parenting With Understanding™ System to stay calm when your child is in chaos

💡 How to get your child to listen even when you say "no"

🧳 How to raise emotionally strong kids who are kind, respectful, and ready for the real world

This class is 100% free. And it works.

Parents who take it say:

"This changed everything for us. I finally feel like I know what to do."

📍 Click here to sign up for the free class now

Your peaceful parenting journey starts here.

I’m cheering for you.

You are not alone.

With love,

Marcela