Epi #168. How to Help Children Heal From Bad Experiences

Maybe you're going through a divorce. Or maybe someone in the family passed away. Or maybe you yelled at your child and now you're scared you've hurt them emotionally.

I get it.

When something big happens, or when we mess up, it can feel like we broke something in our child. And we just want to fix it. But what if I told you that the behavior you’re seeing isn’t the real problem?

What if the real issue is something much deeper—and something we can actually help them heal from?

In this blog, I’m going to walk you through what science says about memory and healing, and how you can help your child grow emotionally strong even after hard moments.

I’ll also share some stories from my own life and from families I’ve worked with so you know you’re not alone.

Let’s dive in.

1. Memories Are More Than Just Thoughts

When people think of memories, they think of remembering something like, “I ate pizza last night.”

But there’s a deeper kind of memory.

There are memories we can talk about and ones we just feel.

• Explicit memory is when we can say, “I remember that.”

• Implicit memory is when we can’t remember it, but our body and feelings still do.

For example, have you ever smelled something and suddenly felt like you were back in your grandma’s kitchen?

That’s an implicit memory. Your brain didn’t remember it on purpose. It just popped up.

Our kids have that, too. Especially when something scary or upsetting happens. Even if they can't explain it, their body remembers.

2. When Small Things Feel Big

Some experiences leave a strong emotional stamp on the brain.

That stamp becomes what we call a core memory.

It could be something big, like a car accident, or something small, like a parent yelling during bedtime.

Even if the child doesn’t talk about it, their brain and body store it.

Later, that memory shows up in behaviors. Like when your child refuses to go to bed or cries for no clear reason.

It’s not just “bad behavior.” It’s their brain trying to protect them.

3. My Story About Cats

Let me share something personal.

I used to be scared of cats. I didn’t know why. I just didn’t like them.

One day, I walked into my niece’s house and saw her cat. My heart started racing. I felt so uncomfortable.

Then I remembered—when I was little, I was caught in the middle of a cat fight. I got scratched and I was terrified.

I had forgotten about it. But my body didn’t. That fear stayed in my nervous system as an implicit memory.

Only when I connected the old memory to my current fear, I was able to start healing.

4. How I Healed

My husband helped me bring that old memory to the surface. He gently asked me to close my eyes and think back.

Once I remembered the cat fight, something shifted. My adult brain kicked in and told me: “You’re not that little girl anymore. You’re safe now.”

That helped me calm down. Slowly, I got used to being around cats. Now I have two of my own. They’re my babies.

Healing is possible.

Even for old stuff.

5. Helping Our Kids Heal

Our children can also hold onto scary or stressful memories.

And they often show it through behavior.

Like Marcus’s daughter. Every night at bedtime, she would become wild. Running around, not listening, climbing everywhere.

He had tried everything. Sleep courses. Routines. Nothing worked.

But then he came to coaching. We discovered that bedtime was connected to something painful. When she was younger, bedtime often ended in yelling. Her nervous system remembered that.

Even when Marcus was calm, her brain was still expecting chaos.

So we helped Marcus create new bedtime memories. Calm. Safe. Connected.

In 10 weeks, bedtime went from 2 hours of fighting to 20 minutes of peace.

Her brain learned something new: bedtime is safe now.

6. Replacing Old Memories With New Ones

This is one of the most powerful tools we have as parents.

We can replace scary memories with calm, loving ones.

It takes:

• Time

• Repetition

• Safety

• Connection

Every moment of calm we give our kids during chaos helps them build a new memory.

A memory of: “When I mess up, I’m still loved.”

That’s the core of emotional healing.

7. What Happens If We Don’t Help Them Process It

If a child has a big emotion or bad experience and we tell them, “You’re fine,” or, “Let’s just move on,” we leave the puzzle unfinished.

Their body still feels the fear or sadness, but they don’t know why.

It can show up later as:

• Anxiety

• Meltdowns

• Defiance

• Overreactions to small things

They need us to help them finish the puzzle.

8. What About Us Parents?

Sometimes we are the ones reacting from old memories.

I had a client who was homeschooling her kids. She was a trained teacher and wanted everything to be perfect.

But every day felt like a struggle.

She ended each day frustrated and yelling. Then felt guilty.

Why? Because deep down, she had an old wound. She grew up in a home where her sister was the "golden child" and she felt she could never measure up.

Now, as a mom, she felt she had to prove she was good enough.

That fear made her rigid and stressed.

When we worked together in coaching, she finally connected the dots.

She began giving herself more grace. She started being flexible with her kids. Homeschool went from fights to fun.

Her kids started enjoying it too.

9. You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

I’m a parenting coach. But even I get coaching from my own team when I’m struggling.

Because it’s hard to see our own stories when we’re in the middle of them.

Sometimes we need someone to help us remember:

• You’re doing your best.

• You’re not broken.

• You can rewrite the story.

We all have old wounds. But healing is possible. And your child’s behavior? It’s not the problem.

It’s a signal.

And together, we can follow that signal to healing—for them and for you.

Ready to Break Free from Angry Reactions and Raise Secure Children?

If this story resonated with you, I want to invite you to my free class.

In this class, you’ll learn:

✅ How to stop angry reactions and respond calmly in tough moments.

✅ What you need to say so your kids listen—even when you say "no."

✅ How to raise emotionally healthy kids who can handle the real world with confidence.

You don’t have to stay stuck in reactivity.

You can become the secure parent your child needs.

👉 Tap here to join the free class now

You got this. And I’m here to help.