Epi #163. How to Calm Down an Aggressive Child Peacefully
May 06, 2025
Your Child's Behavior Isn’t the Problem — This Is How to Fix It
Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, your child just won’t calm down?
You try everything.
You breathe.
You stay calm.
You even offer a hug or a soft word…
And still, they’re hitting, yelling, or crying for what feels like forever.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re doing everything "right" and it’s still not working… I want you to know something:
You’re not the problem.
And neither is your child.
In this blog, I’ll share exactly why your child’s behavior isn’t the issue—and what really is. I’ll also walk you through what’s missing, what’s misunderstood, and how you can start seeing big shifts in your home… starting today.
Let’s go there together.
1. What If It’s Not About Behavior at All?
We’re used to thinking behavior is the problem.
But behavior is just a signal.
It’s like a fire alarm going off. The noise isn’t the fire. The noise is warning you that something needs attention.
That’s what your child’s yelling, kicking, or ignoring is. A signal.
So instead of thinking, “How do I stop this behavior?”… Try asking, “What is my child trying to tell me with this behavior?”
That one question changes everything.
2. Why Do Kids “Act Out”? (Hint: It’s Not What You Think)
Let me tell you something most parents don’t know:
Kids aren’t born with emotional regulation skills.
When your toddler screams because you cut their toast wrong… When your 9-year-old hits their sibling… When your teen slams the door and shuts down...
It’s not because they’re trying to be difficult.
It’s because their brain doesn’t yet know what to do with all those big emotions.
We, as adults, can usually stop ourselves when we’re angry. We feel like yelling, but we don’t. We want to throw something, but we breathe instead.
That’s emotional regulation.
Our kids are still learning that. Some haven’t even started yet.
3. The Big Myth: "They Should Know Better by Now"
I’ve heard it so many times:
“They’re 8. They should know better.” “They’re 12. I shouldn’t have to remind them.”
But age doesn’t equal skill.
Especially if your child is going through a stressful time. Or if they’re neurodivergent, like my son who’s autistic.
Their ability to calm themselves changes depending on how safe they feel, what they’re going through, and how their brain is wired.
Even older kids may not be able to regulate without help.
It’s not about age. It’s about what skills they’ve built.
4. What Is Co-Regulation?
Here’s the secret sauce most parenting books skip:
Your child can’t regulate without you.
At least not yet.
They need something called co-regulation. That means they borrow your calm.
Let me say that again: They borrow your calm.
But here’s the hard part.
You can’t lend what you don’t have.
If you’re angry, anxious, or overwhelmed, your nervous system is talking. And kids don’t just listen to our words. They tune into our nervous system.
So even if we say, “It’s okay honey,” but inside we’re boiling… They feel the boiling.
That’s why co-regulation only works when we’re truly grounded.
5. A Real-Life Story: My Son’s Loose Tooth
Let me take you to my living room.
My 9-year-old, who has autism, had just agreed to brush his teeth after 20 exhausting minutes of convincing.
As I was brushing, his loose tooth fell out. He panicked. Started yelling.
“You’re making me bleed!” he cried.
I felt the heat rising inside me. I had already been frustrated before the tooth even came out.
And in that moment, I knew—I couldn’t follow him right away.
So I took 2 minutes. I did some stretches. I breathed. I reminded myself, He needs my calm. Not my chaos.
Then I joined him in the bathroom. I stayed calm. I offered presence.
That’s co-regulation. And that’s what helped him settle.
Not punishment. Not yelling. Not logic. Just calm.
6. But What If They Still Don’t Calm Down?
I get this question all the time:
“But Marcela, I stayed calm. I offered a hug. I didn’t yell. And they still didn’t calm down.”
Let’s bust this myth:
Co-regulation isn’t about making your child calm down quickly.
It’s not a trick. It’s not a button to push.
It’s a presence you offer—through the whole storm.
Some kids take 5 minutes. Some take 45. Especially if they’re highly sensitive or neurodivergent.
And that’s okay.
You are not failing if your child doesn’t calm down quickly.
You are succeeding just by being their safe space while they ride it out.
7. You Are Their Biggest Tool
So what helps our kids the most?
It’s not more rules. It’s not stricter punishments. It’s not getting them to “obey.”
It’s you.
Your presence. Your calm. Your ability to regulate yourself.
That’s the foundation. That’s what teaches emotional regulation. That’s what builds secure attachment.
And that’s what helps your child grow into a confident, emotionally healthy human.
8. What If You Struggle Too?
What if you’re the one who gets dysregulated?
What if their meltdown triggers your meltdown?
That’s okay too.
You’re human. You’re allowed to have a hard time.
The key is learning how to catch it. Pause. Breathe. Step away for a moment if you need to.
That’s not abandoning your child. That’s putting on your oxygen mask so you can help them.
This takes practice. And support. And grace.
You don’t have to do it perfectly. Just consistently.
9. Reactive vs. Proactive Coping
Let’s talk about two ways we help our kids handle stress:
Reactive Coping – What we do after they’re upset. Proactive Coping – What we do before the meltdown even happens.
Let me tell you a quick story.
Years ago, my son had a meltdown at church. He bit me. Right there in the parking lot.
The next Sunday? I came prepared.
I brought breaks. I chose a quieter seat. I gave him headphones.
And guess what? He was calm.
That’s proactive coping.
Understanding what triggers your child and setting them up for success—before the storm hits.
We do both. We co-regulate in the moment (reactive), And we set the scene for success (proactive).
10. What You Can Do Today
If you’re wondering, “Okay… where do I even start?” here’s what I’d suggest:
Start with you.
✅ Notice your triggers. ✅ Practice calming your body—stretching, breathing, grounding. ✅ Offer co-regulation, not correction, during the meltdown. ✅ And write down your child’s biggest stressors.
Then next to each stressor, write:
- One reactive coping skill (for in the moment)
- One proactive coping skill (to prevent it next time)
You don’t have to fix everything overnight. Just start with one moment of calm. And build from there.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If you’ve made it this far, I know something about you:
You care deeply. You want peace in your home. You want to stop yelling and start connecting.
I want to help you get there.
That’s why I created a free class just for parents like you.
It’s called: The U.S.E Method to Correct Any Behavior with Ease.
In this class, I’ll teach you our Parenting With Understanding System of Needs. You’ll learn:
✅ How to break free from angry reactions and stay calm during your child’s chaos
✅ How to communicate so your child listens—even when you say “no”
✅ How to raise emotionally healthy kids who are confident and accountable
🎥 You can watch the class right now, at your own pace. It’s 100% free.
You are your child’s safe place. You are the calm in the storm.
And I’ll be right here, cheering you on.
With love,
Marcela
