Epi #196. How to Repair With Your Child After Yelling.
Dec 23, 2025
If you’ve ever said,
“I just want to be calmer with my kids,”
this is for you.
If you’ve ever promised yourself,
“Today I won’t yell,”
and then yelled anyway…
this is for you.
And if you’ve ever laid in bed at night feeling heavy guilt,
wondering if you’re ruining your child,
please stay with me.
Because your child’s behavior is not the real problem.
And you are not a bad parent.
I want to show you what’s really going on
and what actually fixes it.
Why This Article Exists
Parents come to me every day feeling exhausted.
They’ve read the books.
They follow gentle parenting pages.
They try to stay calm.
And yet…
They still snap.
They still yell.
They still shut down.
Then they feel shame.
This article is where I give you the missing piece.
The piece no one explained to us growing up.
The piece that changes everything.
1. The Moment Everything Falls Apart
Let me paint a picture.
It’s morning.
You’re already behind.
Your child won’t put on shoes.
They’re crying.
You ask nicely.
Then firmer.
Then louder.
And suddenly…
you explode.
The look on their face crushes you.
Later you think:
“Why do I keep doing this?”
Here’s the truth.
That moment wasn’t about shoes.
It wasn’t about listening.
It wasn’t about behavior.
2. Your Child’s Behavior Is a Signal, Not a Problem
Behavior is communication.
Always.
When a child melts down, fights, freezes, or yells,
their nervous system is saying:
“I don’t feel safe.”
Not unsafe like danger.
Unsafe like overwhelmed.
Confused.
Disconnected.
And here’s the part no one tells parents…
Your nervous system talks to theirs.
Louder than your words.
3. Why Calm Words Don’t Work When You’re Triggered
You can say all the “right” things.
You can use a gentle tone.
But if inside you’re boiling…
your child feels it.
Children read nervous systems, not scripts.
So when your body feels stressed, rushed, or threatened,
your child’s body responds.
Not because they’re bad.
But because they’re human.
4. Reactivity Is Not a Discipline Problem
This is big.
Reactivity is not a discipline issue.
It’s not a respect issue.
It’s not a “strong-willed child” issue.
Reactivity is a nervous system memory.
Your body learned something long before you had kids.
And it remembers it now.
5. What Your Body Remembers From Childhood
If you were rushed as a child…
If you were yelled at during transitions…
If your feelings felt “too much”…
Your nervous system learned:
“Big emotions are not safe.”
So when your child has big emotions,
your body reacts fast.
Not because you’re broken.
But because your body is trying to protect you.
6. Why Breathing Isn’t Enough
You’ve been told to breathe.
Count to ten.
Walk away.
Sometimes it helps.
Sometimes it doesn’t.
That’s because when your nervous system is in threat mode,
logic shuts off.
You can’t calm a body that feels unsafe
by telling it to relax.
You have to create safety first.
7. The Three Nervous System States Every Parent Needs to Know
Let me simplify this.
Your nervous system moves through three states.
Red: Fight or Flight
This is yelling.
Threats.
Power struggles.
Blue: Shut Down
This is numb.
Withdrawn.
Checked out.
This one is sneaky.
And often missed.
Green: Calm and Connected
This is where learning happens.
Listening happens.
Connection happens.
Secure parents don’t live in green all the time.
They just know how to return to it.
8. Why “Good Behavior” After Punishment Isn’t Success
When a child suddenly becomes quiet after punishment,
it’s not calm.
It’s shutdown.
That’s the blue state.
They didn’t learn.
They gave up.
This matters.
Because kids raised in shutdown
become adults who disconnect from themselves.
9. The Real Goal Isn’t Obedience
The goal isn’t quiet.
The goal isn’t compliance.
The goal is connection.
Because connected children cooperate.
Not perfectly.
But naturally.
10. Awareness Is the First Parenting Skill
Before tools.
Before scripts.
Before consequences.
You need awareness.
Ask yourself:
What is happening in my body right now?
Tight chest?
Hot face?
Fast heart?
That’s your cue.
Not to fix your child.
But to care for yourself.
11. Naming the Feeling Changes Everything
“I feel bad” isn’t enough.
Name it.
Angry.
Scared.
Overwhelmed.
Grieving.
Every feeling tells a story.
When you name it,
your nervous system organizes.
And organized systems react less.
12. Why Sensory Tools Matter
Some bodies calm with stillness.
Some calm with movement.
Some calm with pressure.
If deep breaths don’t work for you,
you’re not failing.
You just need a different tool.
Running in place.
Holding a plank.
Cold water on wrists.
Your body needs release, not silence.
13. Regulating Before the Explosion
Here’s the shift.
Don’t wait for the meltdown.
Regulate ahead of it.
Tiny moments count.
Ten seconds count.
One minute counts.
This is how you build capacity.
14. Honoring the Process (This Is Hard)
You didn’t learn regulation in childhood.
So you’re learning it now.
That takes time.
You don’t need perfection.
You need commitment.
Progress beats shame every time.
15. Repair Is Where Secure Attachment Is Built
You will mess up.
Every parent does.
What matters is repair.
Not quick apologies.
But meaningful repair.
16. Empty Apologies vs Real Repair
Empty apology sounds like:
“I’m sorry, but…”
Real repair sounds like:
“I chose to yell because I felt overwhelmed.”
No blame.
No excuses.
Just truth.
17. How to Repair After Yelling (Simple Steps)
Here’s a simple flow:
- Ask for consent
- Name their feeling
- Take responsibility
- Apologize without blame
- Share what you’ll do differently
- Offer connection
This teaches emotional intelligence.
Not weakness.
18. Repair for Little Kids Looks Different
Toddlers don’t need speeches.
They need play.
Stories.
Songs.
Role play.
Their brains learn through imagination.
19. Why Storytelling Works
Stories bypass defense.
They land softly.
They stay longer.
This is why children remember stories years later.
Stories repair without shame.
20. The Dragon Story (Real Life Example)
A dragon yelled to protect.
He scared the princess.
He repaired.
Kids understand this deeply.
So do adults.
21. Repair Teaches: “Mistakes Don’t Break Love”
This is the lesson.
Not perfection.
But safety.
“I can mess up and still belong.”
That’s how secure kids are made.
22. It’s Never Too Late to Repair
Not with toddlers.
Not with teens.
Not with adult kids.
Repair changes nervous systems at any age.
23. Your Child’s Behavior Is an Invitation
An invitation to slow down.
To listen.
To heal.
Not just your child.
But you.
24. You Don’t Need More Discipline
You need understanding.
Of your child’s needs.
And your own.
This is where real change happens.
25. This Is Exactly What I Teach Inside Our Free Class
I created a free class for this reason.
To show parents:
Why reactivity happens.
How to stop it at the root.
How to raise secure kids.
Without punishments.
Without guilt.
Without fear.
26. Your Next Step
If this article spoke to you,
your nervous system is ready for more.
Go to Instagram.
DM us the word:
PEACE 25
And I’ll send you the free class.
You Are Not Failing
You are learning.
You are healing.
And your child doesn’t need a perfect parent.
They need a present one.
