Epi #193.The Path of Becoming a Secure Calm Parent With Your Kids.

Have you ever looked at your child during a meltdown and thought…
“Why is this happening again?”

Maybe you tried being gentle.
Maybe you tried being strict.
Maybe you tried ignoring the behavior, or giving choices, or taking deep breaths, or counting to ten.

And still…
Your child doesn’t listen.
The tantrums keep coming.
The bedtime battles don’t end.
The backtalk gets louder.

And you start wondering…

“What am I doing wrong?”

I felt that same question in my own chest more times than I can count.

And when I finally found the answer, my whole world as a mom changed.
That’s what I want to share with you today.

You are in the right place.

If you want to:

• Stop angry reactions
  
• Get your kids to listen
  
• Break painful cycles from your childhood
  
• Raise secure, emotionally healthy children
  
  

…this article will help you get there.

Let’s take it step by step.
No shame. No judgment.
Just the truth that will finally set you free.

1. Behaviors Are Not the Real Problem

You might think:

• “The tantrums are the problem.”
  
• “The screaming is the problem.”
  
• “The backtalk is the problem.”
  
  

But here’s the real truth I learned as a parenting coach:
Your child’s behavior is a message, not a problem.

Let me tell you a story…

A mom I coached (let’s call her Sofia) came to me feeling exhausted.
She was a single mom.
She worked long hours as a nurse.
She came home tired and overwhelmed.

Her kids would fight at the dinner table.
She would snap and yell.
Then she spent the night feeling guilty and ashamed.

She told me:

“I love them, but I don’t know how to do this.”

She thought the behavior was the issue.
But after working with me, she finally realized…

The behavior was communication.

Her kids weren’t trying to be “bad.”
They were overwhelmed.
They needed connection.
They needed skills.
They needed her guidance… not her anger.

And guess what?

Sofia didn’t need a “better attitude.”
She didn’t need more patience.
She needed skills.

Once she learned them, everything changed.

2. Yelling Isn’t the Problem Either

We think we yell because:

• We’re tired
  
• We’re stressed
  
• Our kids don’t listen
  
• Our day is too busy
  
• Our kids are sensitive or neurodivergent
  
  

But yelling isn’t caused by the situation.

Yelling happens when we don’t have the skills to do anything else.

Read that again.

Because this truth changed my life:
We don’t yell because we are bad parents. We yell because nobody taught us how to regulate emotions and guide behavior.

We weren’t given:

• Calm emotional regulation skills
  
• Tools to decode behaviors
  
• Ways to discipline without threats
  
• Understanding of our children’s needs
  
  

So we repeat what our parents did:

• “Stop crying!”
  
• “Go to your room!”
  
• “Because I said so!”
  
• “If you don’t stop, you lose everything!”
  
  

Not because we want to, but because we don’t know anything else.

And now… the cycle can stop with us.

3. Every Version of Parenting Is Hard, But You Can Choose the Hard That Helps

There’s something honest I need to tell you:

Every stage of parenting is hard.
Toddler stages are hard.
School years are hard.
Teen years have their own hard.

But here is the choice we get to make:

We can choose the hard that helps us grow… or the hard that keeps us stuck.

Let me show you.

Easy now, hard forever:

• Yelling
  
• Threats
  
• Punishments
  
• Giving in during meltdowns
  
• Ignoring feelings
  
  

This is “easy” because it’s automatic.
But it leaves kids confused, hurt, reactive, and disconnected from us.

Hard now, easier later:

• Learning emotional regulation
  
• Setting boundaries with empathy
  
• Understanding needs underneath behavior
  
• Using positive discipline
  
• Staying calm during chaos
  
  

This takes effort now, but leads to:

• Less yelling
  
• More listening
  
• Strong relationships
  
• Kids who respect your guidance
  
• Peace at home
  
• A confident parent who feels proud
  
  

You get to choose your path.
Just like the mom I mentioned earlier.
She chose the hard that helped her become secure.

And everything changed.

4. What Actually Makes Kids Listen

Every parent asks me:
“How do I make my child listen?”

But look at the question…
It’s not really about control.
It’s about connection.

Kids listen when they feel safe with us.

So instead of trying to control behaviors, we need to lead with clarity and calmness.

Here’s what works:

✨ 1. Calm nervous system = calm direction

Kids mirror us.
If we escalate, they escalate.
If we stay calm, their brain feels safe.

✨ 2. Needs first, limits second

Behavior tells us what a child needs.

Examples:

• Tantrum → needs co-regulation
  
• Defiance → needs autonomy
  
• Hitting → needs emotional coaching
  
• Meltdown → needs sensory support
  
• Backtalk → needs respect + boundaries
  
  

Once we see the need, they can finally hear instruction.

✨ 3. Discipline is teaching, not punishing

Punishment tries to control behavior.
Discipline teaches skills.

• Empathy
  
• Problem solving
  
• Self-control
  
• Respect
  
• Communication
  
  

That’s how kids grow.

And when kids grow, they behave better.

Not because they fear us…
But because they trust us.

5. The 3 Skills Every Secure Parent Needs

To raise secure children, we need three skills most of us were never taught:

1️⃣ Emotional Regulation

This is how we calm our nervous system, so our kids feel safe with us.

Without regulation, we react, yell, shut down, punish harshly, or lose control.
With regulation, we parent with clarity.

2️⃣ MindSight

This skill helps us understand the message behind behavior.
It’s how we see needs, not misbehavior.

With MindSight, we stop guessing and start guiding.

3️⃣ Positive Discipline

This is how we teach skills, cooperation, and respect without threats, shame, fear, or punishment.

Positive Discipline is not permissive.
It’s leadership.
It’s collaboration.
It’s growth.

Together, these skills break generational cycles and raise emotionally healthy kids.

You don’t need perfection.
You need tools.

6. Why Parenting Feels So Heavy (It’s Not What You Think)

Most parents believe:

• “Parenting will be easier when my child grows up.”
  
• “Bedtime is the reason I snap.”
  
• “Summer break makes my kids wild.”
  
• “My child’s personality is the issue.”
  
• “If my kid listened better, I would be calmer.”
  
  

But here’s the real truth:

Parenting does not get easier.
We get stronger.
We get smarter.
We get more skilled.

Peace in parenting is not about behavior becoming easy.
It’s about us becoming secure.

Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent.
They need a regulated leader who is learning.

And that can be you.

7. You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Maybe you’re thinking:

• “I can figure this out by myself.”
  
• “I’m trying to read the books.”
  
• “I’m watching videos. Isn’t that enough?”
  
  

Learning alone is hard because we don’t know what we don’t know.

We need:

• Guidance
  
• Support
  
• Clarity
  
• A plan
  
• Accountability
  
• Tools that fit our child’s needs (especially sensitive and neurodivergent kids)
  
  

That’s why coaching changes lives.

Not because you’re failing.
But because you deserve support.

You are not meant to hold this alone.

Final Thoughts: Your Child’s Behavior Isn’t the Problem

The real issue is missing skills in:

• understanding behavior
  
• regulating our own emotions
  
• guiding with positive discipline
  
  

Children behave better when we lead better.

And we lead better with tools.

This is your time to break the cycle.

You already have the love.
Now you can get the skills.

✨ Want help getting started?

I created a FREE class that teaches you the same system we use to help thousands of parents stop reactivity and raise secure, confident kids.

To access it, just go to my Instagram and DM me the word: “peace 25”
📩 Yes  just send the message “peace 25.”

You will get:

• Our full breakdown of the Parenting With Understanding™ system
  
• Tools to stay calm even when your child is dysregulated
  
• Guidance to help your kids listen without yelling or punishments
  
  

This is your first step to peaceful parenting.

Go to Instagram and send “peace 25.”

👉 @hicparenting @highimpactclub

Your secure parenting journey starts now. 💛