Epi #192. How to Let Go of Control Parenting Your Child.

Have you ever wished you could stop reacting, stop yelling, and finally feel like the calm parent you dream of being?

I have too.

Imagine a huge wildfire. The flames spread fast. They burn everything in their way. But then, one person turns around… and chooses to face the fire. That one person stops it from growing. That one person protects everyone ahead, even if they already carry scars.

Parenting can feel like that.

Sometimes, we are the ones carrying the fire from our own childhood. And we have a choice. Will we let it burn through our kids too… or will we turn back and face it?

I want to talk to you about that choice. It’s the most powerful decision we can make as parents.

It’s the choice to heal.

And this blog is your guide, your starting point.

If you’ve been trying to be calm, trying not to yell, trying to be a gentle parent, and it keeps slipping through your fingers—this is where you learn why… and what to do next.

1. Healing Is Not a Feeling… It’s a Choice

Many parents think they will magically stop reacting once life gets easier.

Once the baby sleeps through the night.
Once the toddler stops screaming.
Once the 10-year-old listens better.
Once work slows down.

But peace doesn’t come from outside of us.
Peace starts with a choice inside of us.

Let me tell you about a mom I coached. I’ll call her Emily.

One night, after yelling at her two little girls, she sat at her kitchen table and cried. She felt guilty. She felt disconnected. She didn’t want to raise her voice ever again. She promised herself, “Tomorrow, no yelling.”

The next morning came.

Breakfast chaos. Running late. Shoes missing. A fight over socks. Milk spilled. She was exhausted before 9 AM.

And she yelled… again.

Then later came the same question so many of us ask:

“If I want to stop, why do I still react?”

The answer is simple, and painful, and freeing:

➡️ Because reactivity doesn’t come from thinking.
➡️ Reactivity lives in our nervous system, in our body.
➡️ And you cannot logic your way out of something your body learned to protect you with.

Healing is not a thought.
It is a choice we make again and again.

2. You Can’t Think Your Way Out of Reactivity

I used to think I could parent with calm if I just “tried harder.”

It didn’t work.

When my children were babies, their crying would trigger me instantly. Not just annoy me—panic me. My body would rush to “fix it.” I felt like if they were crying, then I was failing. I wasn’t a good mom.

Why? Because growing up, I was made responsible for calming my autistic brother. If he cried, people blamed me. Pointed fingers at me. Shamed me.

My nervous system learned:

“If a child cries, you’re in danger.”

So when my own children cried, my body reacted as if I was back in my childhood.

Can you see it?

Your reactions might not come from who you are now…
but from who you had to be then.

That change doesn’t happen by willpower.
Calm doesn’t come from “trying harder.”
Healing comes from awareness, from choice, from support.

Awareness is when we stop saying:

❌ “What’s wrong with me?”
and start saying:
✔️ “I’m reacting from old pain.”

Awareness is the first brave step of healing.

3. Healing Means Facing What You Carry

Reactivity doesn’t happen because we are bad parents.

Reactivity happens because we are carrying things.

We carry unmet needs from childhood.
We carry wounds from neglect.
We carry shame, pressure, comparison, violent discipline, constant criticism, or being left alone with big feelings.

Sometimes trauma is loud.
Sometimes it’s quiet.

Sometimes trauma is a divorce.
Sometimes trauma is being ignored.

Sometimes trauma is being hit.
Sometimes trauma is walking on eggshells.

Sometimes trauma is getting yelled at.
Sometimes trauma is hearing, “You’re fine,” when you weren’t fine.

Maybe you were told to grow up too fast.
To behave perfectly.
To make no mistakes.
To be quiet.
To never bother anyone.

Now you’re a parent trying to do better.
But your nervous system still remembers everything you had to survive.

That’s not your fault.
But healing now is your responsibility.

4. Healing Looks Like Small Daily Choices

Healing is not a big dramatic moment.
It’s not a perfect day.
It’s not a magical “transformation.”

Healing is little choices that feel uncomfortable at first.

Healing looks like:

✨ Noticing your reaction before you explode.
✨ Taking a pause to breathe before speaking.
✨ Saying “I need help” when you are drowning.
✨ Grieving the parent you wish you were already.
✨ Letting yourself feel fear, anger, sadness, annoyance.
✨ Not judging those feelings when they come.
✨ Letting your kids have emotions too.
✨ Asking your partner for support.
✨ Getting coaching or therapy to learn new skills.

Healing feels messy before it feels peaceful.

You are not “fixed” in one day.

You are choosing healing with one choice at a time.

You are re-parenting yourself while parenting your child.

And that is brave.

5. If You Struggle to Trust, There’s a Reason

Maybe you find yourself trying to control your child’s emotions, choices, food, sleep, behavior, schooling, everything.

Maybe you feel unsafe when things don’t go “your way.”

Maybe you panic when your child screams.

Maybe you shut down when they talk back.

These reactions come from wounds around trust.

If love was conditional for you, you may feel:

✔️ “If I don’t control, everything will fall apart.”
✔️ “If they misbehave, I am failing.”
✔️ “If I let go, they’ll get hurt.”
✔️ “If I don’t fix them, I’m a bad parent.”

But control does not give safety.
Control gives anxiety.
Control creates resistance.

Trust gives connection.

And trust grows from healing.

6. You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

If reading this feels like someone finally understands you…
it’s because you are not alone.

I’ve walked this path myself.
And over 14,000 parents just like you have walked it with me through our coaching and free classes.

You are not broken.
You don’t need to “try harder.”
You need support that sees you, not shames you.

And I have a gift for you.

A free class that teaches the simple Parenting With Understanding™ system to break reactive patterns and parent with calm.

You’ll learn:

🧠 Why you react even when you don’t want to
🌱 How your body carries old pain into parenting today
💬 How to respond calmly even when your child is melting down
❤️ How to raise secure, emotionally healthy kids

📌 Ready to break the cycle for real?

📲 Go to Instagram and DM me the words “peace 25.”
I’ll send you the free class link.

You can find me on:
@HICparenting or @highimpactclub

Just send: peace 25
I’ll take care of the rest.

You’re not alone in this work.
You’re not behind.
You’re not failing.

You’re healing.

And your children will feel the difference.

Let’s do this together. 💛