Epi #185. 3 Steps to Be the Best Parents For our Children

The Struggle Every Parent Knows

Do you ever look at your child’s behavior and wonder… “What am I doing wrong?”

The tantrums.
The bedtime stalling.
The yelling and the backtalk.

And in those hard moments, it’s easy to think either your child is the problem… or worse, that you are the problem.

I want to start by telling you something I wish someone had told me when I was in those messy seasons with my twins:

👉 Your child’s behavior isn’t the problem.

Once you begin to see it differently, everything changes.
The way you respond changes.
The way you feel as a parent changes.
And your connection with your child grows deeper.

Today, I’m going to share three powerful shifts that can help you step out of reactivity and start parenting with peace.

These three steps are the same I’ve used with my own kids and the same ones I’ve taught to thousands of parents through HIC Parenting.

If you’ve been feeling stuck in cycles of yelling, guilt, or fighting for cooperation—you’re in the right place.

1. See Behavior as Communication

One of the biggest mistakes we parents make (and I made it too!) is believing that our children’s behavior is a reflection of our parenting.

But here’s the truth:
Behavior is communication.

When your child refuses to brush their teeth, hits their sibling, or melts down before school, they aren’t showing you you’re a “bad parent.”

They are showing you something about themselves.

Behavior communicates:

• A missing need (like hunger, sleep, or connection).
  
• A missing skill (like calming down or sharing).
  
• A strong feeling (like fear, sadness, or frustration).
  
• Or even a hidden thought they can’t express.
  
  

Think about toddlers or neurodivergent kids. Sometimes words aren’t enough—or they don’t even have the words yet. Their behavior speaks louder than anything they can say.

When you start to see behavior this way, you move from reacting in anger to responding with curiosity.

I remember when one of my twins would stall every single night at bedtime. My old reaction was: “Why can’t you just listen? You’re being defiant.”

But once I paused and looked closer, I realized he wasn’t being “bad.” He was anxious about separating from me at night. His behavior was his way of saying, “Mom, I need you. I don’t feel safe.”

That shift changed everything.

So next time your child’s behavior makes your blood pressure rise, ask yourself this simple question:
👉 “What is my child trying to communicate right now?”

That single step can stop reactivity before it even starts.

2. Break Free From the Negative Bias

Have you ever noticed that once you focus on a problem, you start seeing it everywhere?

Like when you’re shopping for a new car—you suddenly see that exact car all over the road.

The same happens in parenting.

When you’re stuck on “my child never listens,” your brain starts filtering out all the times they actually do listen.

That’s called negative bias.

And here’s the trap: the more you focus on the negative, the more it grows.

Your child hears more corrections than praise.
They feel like they can never do anything right.
And you start to believe the story that parenting is always going to be a struggle.

I once coached a mom who told me, “My child is always aggressive.”

We paused and looked closer. Was her child truly always aggressive? No. He had moments of kindness, sharing, and even self-control. But her brain was filtering those moments out because she was so focused on the problem.

So here’s the shift: notice the good.

Every time your child listens the first time, says thank you, or calms down after being upset—acknowledge it.

Even if it’s small, point it out.

👉 “I saw how you took a deep breath when you got frustrated. That was amazing.”
👉 “Thank you for sharing with your sister. That was kind.”

The more you notice, the more your child will repeat those behaviors.

It’s like holding up a magnifying glass. Wherever you shine it, the fire grows.

So shine it on the good.

3. Balance Quality and Quantity of Time

We hear it all the time: “It’s quality over quantity.”

But when it comes to raising secure children, the truth is—both matter.

Kids need both quality interactions and enough time with us to feel safe.

Now, I know this is tough.
We live in a busy world. Parents work full-time. Many of us are raising kids without family support nearby.

I get it. I’ve been there.

When my twins were little, my husband worked long hours, and I had no family around to help. Some days felt so long and lonely. And I know many of you feel that too.

But here’s what I’ve learned in my own home and with the families I coach:

When you’re stuck in reactivity, the little time you do have with your kids gets swallowed up by power struggles.

Bedtime becomes a fight. Mornings feel like chaos. Evenings are full of yelling instead of laughter.

But once you break free from reactivity, you actually reclaim time.

Instead of spending two hours battling bedtime, you get that time back as connection. Instead of fighting over chores, you spend that time playing or talking.

And that’s what builds trust. That’s what makes kids feel safe, loved, and connected.

So if you’ve been feeling guilty that you don’t have “enough time,” here’s hope:
👉 Once you calm the reactivity, even the time you do have will start to feel like enough.

You Don’t Need to “Fix” Your Child

Here’s the truth I want to leave you with today:

When a flower doesn’t bloom, you don’t fix the flower. You fix the environment.

Your child isn’t broken.
Your child doesn’t need fixing.

What needs to change is the way we respond to their needs.

And the good news is—you can do this.

🌱 Your Next Step

If you’re ready to break free from angry reactions and create a peaceful environment where your child can thrive, I want to invite you to my free class: The Parenting With Understanding™ System of Needs.

In this class, you’ll learn:
✅ How to overcome angry reactions and respond with calm during your children’s chaos.
✅ How to communicate assertively so your kids listen—even when you say “no.”
✅ How to raise emotionally healthy kids who can face the real world with confidence and accountability.

This class has helped thousands of parents just like you.

👉 To join, go to Instagram and DM me the word “peace 25.”

It’s that simple. DM “peace 25” and I’ll send you the link right away.

You don’t have to keep living in cycles of yelling and guilt.
You can become the secure parent your child needs.
And it starts today.

✨ Final Thought

Parenting is hard. Especially when you’re raising sensitive or neurodivergent kids who need extra support.

But you’re not alone.
And with these three steps—seeing behavior as communication, breaking free from negative bias, and reclaiming quality time—you can start to feel the peace you’ve been longing for.

So take a deep breath. DM me the word “peace 25.”
Your transformation starts now.