Epi #184. How to Manage Traumatized Kids' Behaviors

Do you ever feel like your child goes from calm to chaos in three seconds?

One minute they’re laughing.
The next minute they’re yelling, throwing, or saying “no” to everything.

You try a warning.
You try a hug.
You try a sticker.
Nothing sticks.

I’ve been there—with my own kids and with the many children I coached and cared for.

Here’s the big truth many parents never hear:

Your child’s behavior isn’t the problem.
It’s the message.

This blog is where you’ll get answers.
Simple, loving answers you can use today.
I’ll show you how to read the message and help your child feel safe, seen, and steady.
You’ll learn how to guide them without yelling, bribes, or fear.

And yes—you can have more peace at home, even with sensitive or neurodivergent kids.

WHAT THIS ARTICLE WILL GIVE YOU

• A warm, clear path (not a shame list).
  
• Short, real scripts to try in the moment.
  
• A step-by-step plan that works with kids’ brains.
  
• Hope you can feel in your chest.
  
  

When you’re ready for the free next step, go to Instagram and DM us the words “peace 25.”
We’ll send you our free class link right away.

Alright, take a breath with me.
Let’s dive in.

1) THE REFRAME: BEHAVIOR = MESSAGE, NOT “BAD KID”

I want to tell you a quick story.

A mom I coached had a little one who screamed at bedtime.
Every night felt like a battle.
Mom tried timers, charts, long talks, even a new night light.
Nothing worked.

Then we slowed down and asked, “What might this behavior be saying?”

We learned bedtime felt unsafe for him.
Not because mom did anything wrong.
Because bedtime meant separation, darkness, silence, and a tired brain and body.
His behavior was a message: “I don’t feel safe yet.”

When we treated the message, not the noise, everything changed.
We kept bedtime steps the same (safety), added a short silly ritual (connection), and gave him one small choice (control).
Guess what?
The fights shrank.
His body settled.
He felt safe.

Try this reframe at home:

• Not “He’s being defiant.” → “He needs help with a hard moment.”
  
• Not “She’s so rude.” → “She’s overwhelmed and doesn’t have a tool yet.”
  
• Not “Why won’t they just listen?” → “What would help them feel safe enough to listen?”
  

When you see the message, you see your child.

2) THE SUNBURN STORY: WHY SMALL THINGS FEEL BIG

Think of your child’s nervous system like skin with a sunburn.

When you have a sunburn, even a soft towel hurts.
A tiny bump feels huge.

Kids with trauma, high sensitivity, ADHD, autism, or big stress load feel life like that sunburn.
Small changes, loud sounds, strong smells, fast transitions—these can feel like a slap.

So the “big behavior” you see is a protective response.
It is their nervous system saying, “I’m not safe yet.”

This is not your failure.
This is not your child’s failure.
This is your map.

3) WHAT THE BRAIN IS DOING (IN SIMPLE WORDS)

You don’t need a neuroscience degree to parent with peace.
But a tiny bit of brain info helps:

• Amygdala: the brain’s alarm. When kids feel unsafe, the alarm gets loud. That’s fight, flight, or freeze.
  
• Hippocampus: helps with memory and calming. When kids are stressed a lot, it’s harder to remember skills like “take a deep breath” in the moment.
   
• What this means for you: When your child is “in the red,” they cannot think, reason, or remember your great pep talk.

They need safety first, then skills.

4) WHAT DOESN’T WORK (AND WHY IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT)

• Bigger consequences.
  
• More lectures.
  
• Sticker charts alone.
  
• “Promise me you won’t do it again.”
  
• “Use your words!” while they’re already screaming.
  
  

These are “top-down” tools.
They expect logic while your child is in survival mode.
It’s like asking a drowning swimmer to write an essay.

It’s not that you did it wrong.
It’s that the tool doesn’t fit the moment.

5) THE PLAN THAT WORKS: SAFETY → SKILLS → ROUTINES

I teach a simple flow I call Safety → Skills → Routines.
This is the heart of Parenting With Understanding™.

Here’s how to use it.

6) STEP ONE: CREATE SAFETY IN THE MOMENT

Your calm becomes their calm.
When they go red, you go low and slow.

• Lower your body (kneel or sit).
  
• Soften your face.
  
• Keep your voice steady and quiet.
  
• Say less. Mean more.
  
  

Scripts you can borrow:

• “I’m here.”
  
• “You’re safe. This is hard.”
  
• “I won’t let you hurt anyone. I’ll help your body.”
  
• “We can do this together.”
  
  

If your child is hitting, step in with safety hands:
“Hands on my shoulders. Squeeze. Like this.”
You are not shaming or punishing.
You are keeping everyone safe while the wave passes.

Tiny tip: If you feel yourself boiling, step away to breathe for 10 seconds and come back. You are a person too.

7) STEP TWO: TEACH SKILLS (AFTER CALM, NOT DURING)

Kids learn new tools after the storm, not in it.
We teach three core skills:

1. Body Awareness (What does my body feel like?)
   Make an emotional thermometer with colors:

• Blue/Green = calm.
  
• Yellow/Orange = getting hot.
  
• Red = big reactions.
  
  

Ask:
“How does your face/jaw/hands feel when you go to yellow?”
“Show me your ‘yellow’ hands… oh, tight fists! That’s a good clue!”

1. Coping Actions (What can my body do?)
   Practice in play first (not in panic):

• Squeeze ball 10 times.
  
• Push on the wall.
  
• Butterfly hug (cross arms; tap shoulders).
  
• Blow slow “birthday candle” breaths.
  
• Ask for space: “I need a break.”
   

1. Words for Feelings (How do I name it?)
   Keep it simple: mad, sad, scared, worried, yucky.
   Say: “Name it to tame it. ‘I feel mad.’ Good job telling me!”

Practice game idea:

• Hide-and-Seek Calm: While hiding, whisper, “Your body wants to giggle. Can you freeze for three… two… one?” That builds impulse control in a fun way.
  
• Freeze Dance: Music plays, we dance; music stops, we freeze and take one slow breath.
  
  

Skills grow in play.
Then kids can use them in the real world.

8) STEP THREE: BUILD ROUTINES THAT HOLD YOUR CHILD

Routines are like seat belts for the day.
They hold kids steady when feelings get bumpy.

Use these anchors:

• Preview: “After school → snack → 20 min play → homework → show.”
  
• Timers: 10-minute heads-up, 2-minute warning, “last one.”
  
• Visuals: Picture schedule on the fridge.
  
• Choice points: Let them pick small things inside the plan.
  
  

Example (bedtime):

• Step 1: Snack and water.
  
• Step 2: Bathe or wipe down.
  
• Step 3: PJ + brush teeth.
  
• Step 4: Choose 2 books (your choice!).
  
• Step 5: Snuggle and sing.
  
• Step 6: Special silly ritual (5-second wiggle, then squeeze).
  
• Step 7: Lights dim. “I’ll check on you in 3 minutes.”
  
  

Same steps. Same order. Same words.
Predictable = safe.

9) THE POWER OF PREDICTABILITY

Many kids melt down with sudden changes.
So we protect them with information.

If you know a change is coming:
“Today after pickup, we need to stop at the bank. It’s a 10-minute stop. You can hold the receipt and help me scan it.”

If a change surprises you too:
“Change of plan. We need to turn left to help Grandma. It will take 15 minutes. Then we go home. You pick the song.”

Predictability says, “You are safe here.”

10) AUTONOMY: GIVE SMALL CONTROL BACK

Trauma and big stress take control away.
Healing gives some back.

Tiny choices to offer daily:

• “Blue cup or green?”
  
• “Shoes first or jacket first?”
  
• “Carry the list or push the cart?”
  
• “Two pages or three pages of homework, then break?”
  
  

Helper jobs:

• Timer Boss.
  
• Light Switch Captain.
  
• Snack Builder.
  
• GPS Caller (“Tell me when to turn!”)
  
  

Small control. Big peace.

11) REPAIR: THE TWO-MINUTE SUPERPOWER

After the storm, you get a golden window to connect and grow.

The 3-part repair:

1. Name what happened: “You went to red when the plan changed.”
   
   
2. Validate: “That made sense. Change is hard.”
   
   
3. Teach one tool: “Next time, let’s try ‘I need space’ and wall pushes. Let’s practice now.”
   
   

Keep it short and kind.
Repair teaches your child, “We can fix hard moments together.”

12) WHEN FAMILY DOESN’T “GET IT”

Maybe your mom says, “Just spank.”
Maybe a teacher says, “He’s doing it for attention.”

You can stand firm and stay gentle.

Script:
“We’re using a trauma-informed plan. It’s not permissive. We do set limits. We just start with safety and skills. I’m happy to share our steps.”

Then go back to your child.
You are their safe place.
Trust your plan.

13) QUICK SCRIPTS FOR COMMON MOMENTS

Hitting Sibling
“I won’t let you hit. Hands on my shoulders—squeeze. You’re mad. We’ll help your body first. Then we’ll fix what happened.”

Public Meltdown
“I’m here. We can go to the quiet spot. You’re safe.”
(Stand beside, breathe low and slow. Minimal words.)

School Drop-Off Tears
“This is a goodbye that feels yucky. We’ll do our goodbye squeeze, then I’ll see you after snack and recess. The plan is set.”

Refusing Bed
“Your body says ‘No bed!’ We’ll do our wiggle-squeeze. Then I’ll tuck and check in three minutes. You can choose left or right side.”

14) FOR SENSITIVE OR NEURODIVERGENT KIDS

Some kids need steadier rhythm, more movement, and softer transitions.

Add these supports:

• Sensory breaks: trampoline jumps, wall pushes, fresh air.
  
• Movement seats or pacing permission for homework.
  
• Noise helpers: headphones for loud times.
  
• Fidget tools in the car or store.
  
• One-step directions, not five at once.
  
  

You’re not “giving in.”
You’re giving what their body needs to be successful.

15) A SHORT STORY FROM MY COACHING NOTES

A family I coached said mornings were a disaster.
Everyone yelled.
They were late every day.

We made a tiny morning map:

• 7:00 wake + water sip.
  
• 7:05 bathroom.
  
• 7:10 get dressed (two outfit choices).
  
• 7:20 breakfast (kid chooses fruit).
  
• 7:30 pack bag (kid is “Checklist Captain”).
  
• 7:40 shoes by door.
  
• 7:45 silly handshake + out the door.
  
  

We practiced on Saturday when no one was rushing.
We added a “morning song.”
In two weeks, no more late slips.
Not because the child changed first…
Because the system did.

16) WHEN YOU REACT (BECAUSE YOU’RE HUMAN)

You will have days you yell.
Me too.

Here’s how to turn that into healing:

• Own it fast: “I yelled. That was scary. I’m sorry.”
  
• Name your plan: “Next time I will breathe and drink water. If I forget, I’ll step away and come back.”
  
• Reconnect: “You are safe with me. I love you even when we have hard moments.”
  
  

You’re not ruining your child.
You’re modeling repair.

17) TRACK WHAT WORKS (THE 60-SECOND JOURNAL)

At night, jot three lines:

• Behavior I saw: “Refused bath, then threw toys.”
  
• What might have led up: “Late snack, loud day, no movement.”
  
• What helped / What to try: “Squeeze-and-wiggle + shorter bath first.”
  
  

Patterns will pop.
You will feel more confident.
Your home will feel calmer.

18) YOUR SIMPLE WEEK-ONE PLAN

Day 1–2:

• Make a picture schedule for after school or bedtime.
  
• Teach one coping action in play (wall pushes or squeeze ball).
  
  

Day 3–4:

• Add predictable warnings for every transition (10, 2, last one)
  
• Offer two tiny choices inside each routine.
  
  

Day 5–7:

• Practice a two-minute repair after one hard moment.
  
• Do one fun “body awareness” game (Freeze Dance or Hide-and-Seek Calm).
  
  

That’s it.
Small steps, repeated, make big change.

19) WHAT SUCCESS LOOKS LIKE (REALISTICALLY)

• Meltdowns get shorter, not magically gone.
  
• Your child comes back to calm faster.
  
• You feel steadier inside your own body.
  
• Siblings get hurt less.
  
• Mornings and bedtimes feel lighter.
  
  

Progress, not perfection.
Presence, not pressure.

You are doing enough.
You are learning new skills.
That’s brave.

20) WHEN YOU WANT MORE HELP (AND HOPE)

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I want to stop yelling and start guiding… I just need someone to show me exactly how,” I made something for you.

It’s our free class on the Parenting With Understanding™ System of Needs.

In this class you will:

✅ Learn our signature Parenting With Understanding™ system to overcome angry reactions and have calm responses during your children’s chaos.
✅ Gain a clear path to communicate assertively so your child listens—even when you give a firm “no.”
✅ Know what is needed to raise emotionally healthy children who can face the real world with confidence and self-accountability.

How to get it right now:
Go to Instagram and DM us the words “peace 25.”
We’ll reply with the free class link.
Simple. Fast. Loving.

FINAL WORD FROM A COACH WHO CARES

Your child is not broken.
You are not broken.
Behaviors are messages.
When we answer the message with safety, skills, and steady routines, kids bloom.

You can do this.
And you don’t have to do it alone.

Go to Instagram and DM us “peace 25.”
I’ll meet you inside the free class, and we’ll walk this road together—step by steady step.