Epi #183. Behaviors in Autistic/ADHD kids. How to Handle Them With Care

The Everyday Parenting Struggle

You love your child more than anything.
But some days you wonder if you are failing.

Maybe your child melts down in public.
Maybe bedtime turns into a nightly battle.
Maybe school sends home reports of “aggressive” behavior.

You try sticker charts, calm warnings, even consequences.
Still, nothing changes.

If you’ve ever thought “What am I doing wrong?” you are not alone.

Here’s the truth that will set you free 👇
Your child’s behavior isn’t the real problem.
It’s a message.

This article will show you how to read that message and guide your child to calm and growth—without punishments or yelling.

1️⃣ Behavior Is a Message, Not Misbehavior

Every action tells a story.

A child who screams at bedtime may be saying, “My body is not ready for sleep.”
A child who hits might really be saying, “I’m overwhelmed and don’t know how to ask for help.”

Think of behavior as communication, not defiance.

I remember working with an 8-year-old boy on the autism spectrum.
He made loud humming sounds in waiting rooms.
His parents worried people would judge them.
They tried “quiet voice” reminders and reward charts.
Nothing worked—because those sounds weren’t misbehavior.
They were his way of regulating his nervous system.

When we listened to the purpose behind his actions, everything changed.
Instead of punishing the noise, we built a plan to help him regulate safely.
The meltdowns started to fade.

2️⃣ Why Rewards and Punishments Backfire

It’s tempting to use quick fixes like time-outs or sticker charts.
But these ignore the “why” behind the behavior.

I see this with my own son.
He has ADHD and needs to move to stay calm.
If his teacher forced him to sit still, he’d fall apart inside.

Thankfully, his teacher lets him pace at the back of the room.
Because his need is honored, he learns better.
He’s even at the top of his class.

When we focus on controlling behavior instead of understanding it, we add stress.
Stress makes the very behavior we fear more likely.

3️⃣ How to See the Need Beneath the Behavior

So how do you figure out what your child’s actions are really saying?
Here’s a simple plan you can start today.

Step 1: Observe and Ask

Pause before reacting.
Ask yourself, “What is my child’s body or mind asking for right now?”

• Is your child hungry, tired, or overstimulated?
  
• Do they need to move or need a break?
  
• Are they feeling unsafe because of a past experience?
  
  

When you start with curiosity, you see patterns you might miss in the heat of the moment.

Step 2: Support Regulation

Once you know the need, create an environment that helps your child’s nervous system settle.

• Offer sensory breaks.
  
• Allow quiet corners.
  
• Give choices when possible.
  
  

This isn’t “giving in.”
It’s giving your child the calm they need to learn.

Step 3: Guide New Skills

When your child feels safe and calm, teach coping skills.

• Show them how to take deep breaths.
  
• Practice words they can use when they feel overwhelmed.
  
• Model how to ask for help.
  
  

Skills learned in calm moments are the ones children can use when life gets loud.

4️⃣ Real-Life Example: Honoring Unique Differences

My son can’t stay seated for more than ten minutes.
We told his teacher this on day one.
She said, “No problem. Just let me know when you need to move.”

This simple agreement changed everything.
He stays regulated, learns better, and feels proud of his success.

Imagine if the school had insisted on silence and stillness.
He would spend his energy trying not to move—rather than learning.

This is why respecting individual differences is not spoiling.
It’s smart parenting.

5️⃣ Break the Cycle of Reactivity

Even with this understanding, you might still snap sometimes.
I get it.

Parenting a sensitive or neurodivergent child can be overwhelming.
Maybe you were raised with punishments and those old habits surface when you’re stressed.

The good news?
You don’t have to stay stuck.

With the right tools, you can remain calm—even when your child is not.

6️⃣ The Parenting Tool That Changes Everything

This week’s Parenting Tool is simple and powerful:
Treat every challenging behavior as a clue to an unmet need.

Here’s how to start:

1. Pause and breathe.
   
2. Silently ask, “What need is this behavior showing me?”
   
3. Offer connection first, correction second.
   
   

You’ll be amazed at how much tension melts when your child feels understood.

7️⃣ Your Next Step Toward Peace

You deserve a peaceful home.
Your child deserves a secure parent.

I created a free class to help you get there.
It’s called the Parenting With Understanding™ System of Needs.

Inside, you’ll learn how to:

✅ Stop angry reactions and stay calm during chaos.
✅ Communicate so your child listens—even when you say “no.”
✅ Raise emotionally healthy kids who face the world with confidence.

Getting started is easy.

👉 Go to Instagram and DM us the word “peace 25.”
We’ll send you the class link right away.

Thousands of parents have already taken this first step toward calm and connection.
You can too.

Your child’s behavior is not the enemy.
It’s the doorway to understanding their world.

When you listen to what the behavior is telling you, you can guide your child with love and strength.

You are not alone.
And you are not failing.

Start today.