Epi #182.How to Teach Children Self Control With Emotional Intelligence
Sep 16, 2025
Does your child sometimes go from sweet to screaming in seconds?
You try rewards.
You warn.
You even beg.
But the meltdown keeps coming back.
Friend, you’re not alone.
And you’re not failing.
You’re facing something deeper than “bad behavior.”
I want to show you a gentler way to find what’s really going on.
1. The Message Behind Every Outburst
Behavior is communication.
A tantrum, a shove, a scream—it’s a signal.
It can mean:
- I’m tired.
- I’m scared.
- I don’t know how to calm down.
When we only punish or bribe, we chase the smoke instead of the fire.
The real work is to listen for the need beneath the action.
2. A Story to Bring It to Life
Take Darryl, a 7-year-old who often hit kids on the playground.
His parents were gentle and kind.
Teachers tried reward charts and time-outs.
Nothing worked.
When we dug deeper, we found a hidden root.
In preschool, Darryl was bullied.
Even after the bully left, his nervous system carried the memory of danger.
Every sudden movement on the playground felt like a threat.
Darryl wasn’t mean.
He was scared.
Once his parents understood this, everything changed.
3. Your Calm Is Key
Before kids can calm down, we have to go first.
When you stay steady, you tell your child’s brain, You’re safe.
That safety is the soil where new skills grow.
This isn’t about never feeling angry.
It’s about not letting anger lead.
Even one slow breath before speaking can turn a blow-up into a breakthrough.
4. Three Steps to Teach Real Self-Control
Here’s the simple plan I teach families:
Step 1: Body Awareness
Help your child notice what “yellow” feels like—tight fists, shaky tummy, quick breath.
Practice when everyone is calm, through fun games like hide-and-seek or Red Light, Green Light.
Step 2: Body Tools
Once they know the signs, give the body something to do:
- Big bear hugs
- Wall pushes
- Three deep belly breaths
Let them pick their favorite.
The right tool is the one they’ll use.
Step 3: Feeling Words
Now add language:
- “I feel mad.”
- “I need space.”
Remember: name it to tame it.
5. Put It All Together
Before a tricky moment, plan together:
“What tool will you use if you feel yellow?”
During the moment, stay close and calm:
“I see yellow. Let’s do a wall push.”
After, celebrate:
“You noticed your body and used your tool. That helped.”
This is how real self-control grows—inside your child, not forced from outside.
6. For You, Too
What if you lose it?
Repair with love:
“I’m sorry I yelled. That was scary. I’m working on my yellow, too.”
Repair is powerful.
It teaches kids that relationships stay safe, even after mistakes.
7. Your Next Step
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
I created a free class to walk you through our Parenting With Understanding™ System of Needs.
You’ll learn how to:
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Respond calmly during your child’s chaos
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Get kids to listen, even when you say “no”
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Raise emotionally healthy children who face life with confidence
It’s easy to get it.
Go to Instagram and DM us the words “peace 25.”
We’ll send you the link right there.
Remember
Your child’s behavior isn’t the problem.
It’s an invitation to understand their needs.
Take the first step today.
DM “peace 25” and start building the calm, connected home you dream of.
