Epi #181. Know What Your Child Needs Using The I.D.E.A Method

Have you ever wondered why your child acts out even after you’ve tried everything?

You set rules.
You give reminders.
You try to stay calm.

And still… the tantrums, the fighting, the whining, the endless “no.”

It’s enough to make any parent feel defeated.

But here’s the truth: your child’s behavior isn’t the real problem.
The behavior is just the surface. What’s underneath is what really matters.

In this article, I’ll show you how to finally see what’s behind your child’s behavior, so you can stop putting out fires and start creating peace at home.

This is the place where you’ll find the answers you’ve been looking for.

1. Every Behavior Tells a Story

All behaviors communicate a need.
Yes, even the yelling, hitting, and backtalk.

When my autistic son was little, his meltdowns felt impossible. He would kick, scream, and throw himself on the floor.

At first, I thought, he’s just being defiant. But then I realized—his behavior wasn’t random. It was his way of saying, I need help. I can’t handle this right now.

That changed everything.

Instead of seeing the behavior as the enemy, I began asking: What is my child’s need right now?

And that’s when I started to see progress.

2. Why Quick Fixes Don’t Work

Many parents try rewards, punishments, or endless reminders.

“Stop hitting.”
“If you don’t listen, no iPad.”
“Be nice to your brother.”

But here’s the thing—these strategies don’t touch the real problem.

Think of it like this: if your child had a fever, would you punish them? Of course not. You’d look for the cause—maybe an infection—and treat it.

Behavior is the same. It’s a symptom, not the illness.

Unless we look for the root cause, the behavior will keep coming back.

3. The Story of Morgan

There’s a boy named Morgan whose parents were so confused.

He grew up in a loving home, with stability and support. Yet at school, he was disruptive, bossy, and prone to meltdowns.

Teachers tried reminders. Reward charts. Breaks. Nothing worked.

Finally, a specialist discovered the truth: Morgan had sleep issues. He’d been waking up multiple times a night since he was a baby.

He wasn’t a “bad kid.” He was sleep-deprived.

Once his sleep needs were addressed, his behavior changed.

This shows us: it’s not about fixing the child—it’s about meeting the need.

4. The IDEA Method to Find Your Child’s Needs

So how do we uncover needs?

I use a simple four-step system called the IDEA Method.

I – Inquire about history.
Ask questions about sleep, eating, health, stress, or past experiences.

D – Determine circumstances.
Look at what situations add stress—school, routines, transitions, even Mondays.

E – Examine triggers.
Notice what sets off the behavior. Is it bedtime? Siblings? Certain noises?

A – Address developmental challenges.
Is there something deeper—like sensory differences or delays—that makes life harder for your child?

When you walk through these four steps, the puzzle pieces come together.
The behavior suddenly makes sense.

5. My Parenting Journal

One of the most powerful tools I’ve used is a simple journal.

Every night before bed, I jot down:

• How my kids slept.
  
• What they ate.
  
• If they were sick or constipated.
  
• Any stressors (like visits or long days).
  
  

By tracking, I started to see patterns.

For example, every Monday my twins were cranky. At first, I blamed myself. But then I realized—they missed their dad after weekends together.

The problem wasn’t me. The problem was their need for closure.

We created a goodbye ritual, and Monday mornings improved.

Journaling can help you see the bigger picture instead of feeling lost in daily chaos.

6. Secure Parenting Matters

Now, here’s something important.

Even when needs drive behavior, how you show up matters.

If your child sees you calm and steady, they feel safe.
If they see you yelling or shutting down, their nervous system goes into alarm.

I say this without judgment—because I’ve been there too.

In the early years, I reacted. I yelled. I snapped. And then I felt guilty.

But with support, I learned how to stay calm and secure, even when my kids lost it.

And that became the foundation for change in our home.

7. Top-Down vs. Bottom-Up

Here’s another key insight.

Parents often try “top-down” strategies—things like rules, logic, or contracts.

But many problems are “bottom-up.” They live in the body and nervous system.

Like the mom whose daughter struggled with eating. She tried written agreements. But her daughter had an eating disorder. She couldn’t keep the promise—not because she wouldn’t, but because she couldn’t.

When we use logic for a nervous system problem, it fails.

First, we meet the need. Then, we teach skills.

8. Your Next Step

So let me ask you:

When your child misbehaves, are you only looking at the behavior? Or are you uncovering the need underneath?

Are you offering charts and punishments? Or are you meeting the real need?

Because once you shift your focus, everything changes.

I’ve seen it in my home. I’ve seen it in the homes of thousands of parents I’ve coached.

And I want you to experience that too.

9. The Free Class

I created a free class where I show you my Parenting With Understanding™ System of Needs.

This is the same system that has helped over 14,000 parents stop reactivity and raise secure children.

In this class you’ll learn:

✅ How to stop angry reactions and finally respond with calm.
✅ How to talk so your kids actually listen—even when you say “no.”
✅ How to raise emotionally healthy children who can face life with confidence.

To join the class, all you have to do is go to Instagram and DM us the word “peace 25.”

That’s it. Simple.

Final Encouragement

Your child’s behavior is not the problem.
It’s their way of asking for help.

And you are not a bad parent.
You’re a parent who needs the right tools.

Once you learn to see beneath the behavior and meet the need, you’ll stop putting out fires.
You’ll start building connection, cooperation, and peace.

So go now, DM us the word “peace 25.”

Your children are waiting for you to show up as the secure parent they need.
And I promise—you can do it.